I haven't been to a mall in 2 years

I haven't been to a mall in 2 years. I can not tell how much it delights me to reveal this fact to people. How do I know this? Don't YOU remember where you were when you learned Michael Jackson died? I was at the mall. And that was the last time I was there.

My aversion has nothing to do with Michael Jackson though. I just HATE malls. I hate trying to walk around slow moving people. I hate all the teenagers who have no place else to hang out. I hate sales people. I hate feeling so uncool because I'm not sporting those (BLANK) that everyone else has. Don't malls always seem too hot? And I am CHEAP as fuck. I've only been to the Fashion Mall twice in the 5 years I've lived in Indy. Both times to see a movie (Sorry to everyone who had to be there when I got waaaayyyy too drunk watching Harry Potter). If it isn't at Kohl's, Target, Goodwill or Valu World, I really have no interest in adorning myself in it. And I never think I look bad, but I suppose that is up for interpretation.

Anyway, I'm pretty sure I am the only one who thinks my streak is cool. I'm going to keep telling people anyway.
Anyway, I think I may break this streak soon by going to CASTLETON mall.

Ridiciulously Awesome Quote - Sen. Bernie Sanders

Please do not yield to outrageous Republican demands that would greatly increase suffering for the weakest and most vulnerable members of our society. Now is the time to stand with the tens of millions of Americans who are struggling to survive economically, not with the millionaires and billionaires who have never had it so good.

 -Sen. Bernie Sanders (I - Vermont)

Enough is enough. We can ask the rich people to give up a little too. For your viewing pleasure:

Mantyhose

Because I had to see it, now you have to. MANTYHOSE. It is just what it sounds like. pantyhose for men.

The ONLY reason I can think of that this would be cool is if you are a dude that plays roller derby (Shout out to Indy's own Race City Rebels). But not many men out there are. If you need extra giggles Click Here for a step by step guide to putting on your Mantyhose. It may as well be entitled: Just watch some chick do it. But seeing a dude bunch up some nude pantyhose to slide up his leg is quite possibly the oddest thing I have ever seen.
The website is e-mancipate.net. Check it out but seriously boys-don't buy a pair.

Lowering Your Standards

I was lamenting to a friend the lack of good men to date when he suggested I date one of his friends. I replied that I had no interest in dating a dude that used to mow lawns and now works at the Verizon store and didn't have a degree. My friend went on this big, long spiel about how women were more educated than men nowadays and that I should realize how it is less likely statistically that I would find a dude with a college education. He suggested I look into dating dudes who did not have a degree.

I won't even talk to mother fuckers with Associates degrees.

I'm not hatin. I've tried it before. I've dated a dude who worked at a gas station and a dude who was a plumber. Those relationships were disastrous because even when men lacking one say they aren't-they are threatened by your college degree. I made more money than both of them. I paid for dates. That is emasculating, I imagine. So, already there is this tension.

And I got really bored with these dudes.

Plus, I want to be stable when I grow up. I don't need to be rich. I just want to be able to go on vacation sometimes. I want a pool, doesn't even have to be in ground. A mother fucker working at the Verizon store is not going to help me pay for that.

I don't think that is too much to ask for. Fuck a lowered standard (Until I am 35).

Idiocracy

Sorry about the subtitles, I couldn't find a version without them. But if you haven't seen this movie, you should. Here is the opening scene, because it is hilarious.

The Movement to Weiner Vitter

So, I was reading some stuff on Talking Points Memo (I read all this so you don't have to) and was pleased to find an article entitled: Christian Conservative Group Demands Vitter's Resignation, Says GOP 'Committing Outright hypocrisy' By Letting Him Stay.

Can I just say-Yay? Not only has the conservative Family Policy Network called for his resignation, but so has Bill O'Reilly. Michael Steele admitted to inconsistencies between the way his party reacted to the Weiner scandal (cracks me up every time) and how they reacted to Vitter's name appearing 3 times on the D.C. Madam's call list. Even Andrew Brietbart, the guy who broke the Weiner story, has criticized Senator Vitter and the party's continued support of him. John Boehner gave to Vitter's reelection campaign in 2010 and also publicly called for Weiner's resignation. Hypocritical much?

The past couple of weeks I have been issuing the same complaint when talking about the resignation of Rep. Weiner-If they (Republicans) get to keep Vitter, we should get to keep Weiner. VITTER USED PROSTITUTES. Comparatively, some dick pics sent over social media seem pretty innocuous.

I genuinely hope that Vitter gets Weinered (haha, never, never gets old). 

And, as an aside, if your last name was Weiner and you were a somewhat well known, married, politician-WHY WOULD YOU SEND DICK PICS? That is just asking for trouble and way too easy for people to make jokes about when you get caught.

This is Awesome

Here is a link to the full article: David Hart, British Marine Killed in Afghanistan, Leaves Las Vegas Vacation Worth $150,000 to Friends

To sum it up: this Marine took out a $400,000 (ok, it was pounds, but that makes no since to us Americans) life insurance policy before leaving for Afghanistan. He stipulated that should he die $160,000 would go to his family, $90,000 to a charity for disabled Marines and $150,000 would go towards a Las Vegas vacation for his friends and their girlfriends. He was killed by a roadside bomb.

I have an enormous about of respect for anyone that serves in any branch of the military. My dad was a Vietnam veteran. This story was touching. I think sometimes when we see that troops were killed, we let it go by, forgetting that these are actual people, with friends and family, who are exhibiting an incredible amount of compassion by putting their lives on the line and fighting wars (whether you agree with them or not) so that you don't have to.

Words cannot describe the awesomeness that is leaving money for a vacation for your friends in your will.

Rick Santorum is Against ALL Abortion.....Except When He Isn't

Rick Santorum, former Senator from Pennsylvania, hates abortion. A lot. Here is what he said about it in a June 12th appearance on Meet the Press:

“Do you believe there should be legal exceptions for rape and incest when it comes to abortion?” NBC’s David Gregory asked Santorum.

“I believe that life begins at conception and that life should be guaranteed under the Constitution,” Santorum replied.

“Even in the case of rape or incest? That would be taking a life?” Gregory pressed.

“That would be taking a life,” Santorum agreed. “I believe that any doctor who performs an abortion — I would advocate that any doctor who performs an abortion should be criminally charged for doing so. I have never supported criminalization of abortion for mothers, but I do for people who perform them.”

He also bragged in last week's CNN debate that he had "taken bullets" for the Pro-life cause. Never mind that actual providers of abortion have actually been shot and killed. Santorum probably just sees it as vigilante justice.

The liberal blogosphere has been blowing up with this tidbit of knowledge I am about to drop on you: Rick Santorum's wife had an abortion to save her life. I do not say this to trivialize their no doubt painful experience of having to terminate a pregnancy at 20 weeks. Rather, I would like to point out the incredible amount of hypocrisy spewing from this guy when he  takes the stance that ALL abortions should be illegal-rape, incest and to save a mother's life included. The Santorums had the right to CHOOSE and the choice they made would be impossible if Mr. Santorum's vision for America's abortion law were realized. He would like to deny other families the right that he had-to choose to save his wife.

The satire blog Early Onset of Night put it like this:

“Abortion in any form is wrong,” said Santorum in 2000, three years after the tragedy. “Except for my wife. If your wife’s life was at stake and the only thing that could save her was an abortion, well, too bad. Your wife will have to die. It was different with my wife. You see, I love her. I don’t even know your wife’s name.”

Fuckin Republicans, man. 

A Chart Can Speak a Thousand Words

I don't feel the need to elaborate.

Birthday Dread

I'm already dreading my birthday. It isn't because I'm going to be 27 or anything silly like that. It's because even though I will probably do something with some friends, I will spend the morning and the end of the night alone. For a portion of the day, I won't be special, I will just be that single 27 year old who lives with her cats.

I used to not feel bad about that. I do now. The older you get while remaining single starts to take it's toll. While most of my friends are in long term relationships, married or at least dating someone, I can't even get a dude to flirt with me. And it doesn't help when friends sort of forget who they are speaking around and what might be offensive. I seriously had to listen to a conversation where a friend was discussing how she would never want to be single and the horrifying prospect of not sharing your life with anyone. Yea, thanks. That didn't make me want to shrivel up and die. I didn't go home and make a mixed drink and smoke cigarettes while crying (Note: I actually did). The implication is that being single is something scary and wrong. Which leads to thoughts like-what is wrong with me?

So, yea, birthday dread. I will try to comfort myself with the knowledge that 6 days later I will leave for California and that it will be better than any dude I ever cuddled with at the end of a birthday.

The Weiner Saga

If it wasn't so funny to see headlines including the word Weiner, I would be really sick of hearing about Rep. Anthony Weiner and his dirty Twit pics.

And this morning I read that supposedly he is set to resign in just a few days. I call mother fucking shenanigans. The Republicans got to keep Sen. Vitter, who contact the DC madam 3 times. Soliciting prostitution is ILLEGAL. Sure, Weiner is pretty F'in creepy, but in the grand scheme of things his transgression was more mild than some previous political sex scandals.

People keep yelling about how the scandal is a distraction. THEN STOP TALKING TO THE MEDIA AND DISTRACTING US WITH IT. When the chairman of the DNC, the House Minority leader and the President of the US all suggest one of their own party members resign, people take notice. If Weiner was a Republican, his party colleagues would be playing it cool and dodging questions. And he wouldn't have to resign. Because the Republicans realize having a vote in the House is more important than being on some moral high horse. You would think, with the way Conservatives talk, it would be the other way around, right? Well it isn't.

Polls have shown his constituents want him to stay there. When that bit of news broke, it should've been the end. But Democrats get off on fucking themselves over. It's the way she goes.

Republican Debates

Yawnsies. Bachmann's officially in. T-Paw is still uber boring. Mitt was lucky to avoid to much talk of his faith. Newt went hard in the paint for someone who probably didn't have too many staffers to prep him. Ron Paul keeps this surly look on his face full time. Everyone looks confused when he talks.

And it's the same bullshit you would expect from Republicans. States and private companies can run things better than the Federal government (Yay private companies-they didn't cause financial meltdown). Lower taxes (for rich people). Deregulation. Right to work. No abortion-for some candidates even if the fetus is a product of rape, incest or threatens the mother's life. No gay people getting married. Reagonomics.

Haven't they been spitting this same bullshit for YEARS? I don't see why anyone would be tricked into thinking that continuing to implement the same policies they have been for years will some how pull us out of the economic downturn and make us better. The definition of crazy is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. But, no one is arguing that the Republicans are sane.

I was pleased to learn that Newt is an Idol fan, at least he likes it better than dancing with the stars. Herman Cain likes deep dish pizza. And Ron Paul likes Blackberries better than iPhones. Thanks CNN. That was really important for me to know.

Wisdom

I LOVE textsfromlastnight.com If you aren't reading it, you should. It will make you feel better about all the irresponsible, drunken, slutty shit that you do. Trust me. These are 2 of my favorites, that I wanted to share with you.

(202):

You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.

(1-202):

Thanks, mom.

So true. So true. Guess we should all stop stressing. And this one takes the cake:

(317):

Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.

You'll Like This

and if you don't you suck. Calvin and Hobbes is my shit.

And the quote is pretty cute too.

Whoa

From a HuffPost article:

In the United States, 45 to 55 percent of married women and 50 to 60 percent of married men engage in extramarital sex at some time during their relationship, according to a 2002 study published in Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy.

Click here for the full article.

Enjoy those rings there ladies and gentleman. Yet another great reason not to get married. I guess Beyonce should scratch that line "If you like it then you shoulda put a ring on it" in favor of "If you like it then you probably shouldn't cheat on it." For reals. However, it says cheats at any point during their relationship. I wonder if that includes Pre-marriage relationship. If so, that is likely to skew the numbers. Just saying. 

Ridiculous Dance Party - Don Edwards

Ok, you can't dance to it, but enjoy.

I found it in the documentary Grizzly Man, which I think you should watch if you haven't yet.

Ridiculously Awesome Quote - John Waters

Now, go out into the world and practice this.

Fox News

Still want to argue Fox news is a legitimate news channel? After repeatedly referring to President Obama as Osama, Fox News has a new gaffe to be embarrassed about. Or, they should be embarrassed about it, but they won't be.

Look closely at this picture? Notice anything wrong? Up in the right hand corner........that picture..........It's not Sarah Palin-It's Tina Fey! While Tina's portrayal of Palin is pretty spot on, we would hope the folks at Fox News could tell the difference. Yet another example of why the channel isn't serious enough to be credited as a real news organization. They can't even get their fucking pictures right.

Sit the Fuck Down

Sorry, I know you missed me. But I do things on the weekend like get drunk and volunteer. I can't ALWAYS be updating this. To be honest, today I really have nothing to say. So, I'll do what all great bloggers do-steal stuff from someone else.

The other day Katie and I were discussing the rise of men thinking they deserve too much (maybe they think this about women too, but I don't have a heterosexual dick, so I don't know). Like, fat mother fuckers thinking they deserve super models. Or balding ass dudes with no education thinking that your skinny college educated ass ain't good enough for them. What the hell is wrong with these people? It's cool to have standards, but let's be real- Half the people expecting the world hardly deserve a fucking street corner in East St. Louis. Unless you are exceptional in more ways than one, you need to reassess what you want. And 99.9% of us are not exceptional (sorry).


One of my FAVORITE blogs is "Bitches Gotta Eat." The girl who writes it is funny and vulgar and real. And she wrote on just this topic. She developed a series of questions to ask yourself (or a friend) and see if you "might want to just shut the fuck up and be nice". Here it is: 

so here is the "you probably need to sit the fuck down" self-assessment mini quiz. try to answer the shit honestly. better yet, answer the questions and hand them to someone willing to shatter your ego.

question one: what do you know? this seems like an easy one, right? NOT SO FAST. let's say my answer is music. well, that is most certainly true. i own a great deal of music, i listen to thousands of bands, i've been to dozens of shows. but i wouldn't have the first idea how to write a music review. or how to describe that one thing that guy does with the guitar that i like. or the name of that new art rock band all the college kids are listening to. and i can't tell you much about classic rock either. or jazz. or funk. or punk. and i don't know a whole lot about the musicians themselves, except i just read about lady gaga on the cover of us weekly, so does that count? i've never sat front row, i don't know shit about mixing, i can't tell you anything about grizzly bear other than "veckatimest is a really good record," so basically i guess what i'm trying to say is i don't really know that much about music and i should probably SIT THE FUCK DOWN.

question two: what skills do you possess? according to the match.com profile i recently took down, i am a fantastic cook. and i do make a delicious curry chicken and i have a lovely zucchini bread recipe i've been known to make on occasion. and if being a fantastic cook meant having three recipes in your memorized arsenal, than i might qualify. what i really am good at is following printed directions and setting the oven at the right temperature. oh, and i can measure the hell out of some ingredients once i'm told what they are, what quantity is necessary, and in what order they need to be added to the pot. so what i'm really good at is reading, i guess? except i can only read things that aren't complicated, so no phyllo dough or rolling my own pie crusts. and, as a matter of fact, i don't much like cooking large pieces of beef. and i'll only make drop cookies. muffins stress me out. risottos require too much work, souffles too much precision. i don't like touching egg yolks, bone-in meats are distressing, and you can forget about whole chickens or turkeys. BLARF. ground beef grosses me out, i refuse to chop anything that won't fit in the cuisinart because of this stupid arthritis, peeling potatoes is boring, and i will never in life deal with large squash. so what i should probably do is take my bowl of pasta into the corner and SIT THE FUCK DOWN.

question three: what do you own? um...i can tell you what i don't own: a house, a summer house, a condominium, a boat, a car, a pair of shoes that cost more than $70, nice jewelry, a decent watch, high value stock. i have a couple ipods, a computer i need to upgrade that was a gift from charles so i can't even take credit for its purchase, a bed that needed to be replaced two years ago, a bunch of fancy cookware that i could do without since i mostly eat lean cuisines, some t-shirts from old navy, a little piece of shit cat that i hate, some books. should i continue? or are you already on your way to my apartment to steal my granny cart and massive collection of brightly-colored socks? the most expensive thing i own barely even works. fucking sprint and their fucking EVO can eat my poo. bla-arf. i have a kindle, so that's nice, and i get four netflix at a time, which would be something to be proud of if everyone on the planet who isn't living in the technological dark ages wasn't already streaming 100 movies a day through their game consoles. while you're picking out your instant movies, i'll be over here waiting for disc five season three of the wire that won't be here for two days because i sent the last one back on friday and now i have to wait the whole weekend to find out what happens next SITTING THE FUCK DOWN.

question four: how physically attractive are you? i would go out on a limb and say not at all, but i have had sex with a couple of really good-looking people so i'm not sure that's entirely true. marginally is probably a safer answer. i expect this is the answer people are most likely to overinflate, so really look in the mirror at all of your acne scars and brown teeth and stop kidding yourself. keeping in mind that everyone has his type, most people you know aren't ridiculous hot. at least not hot enough to justifying acting as big an asshole as they do. and while a good personality can turn a quasimodo into prince fucking charming, let's leave this in the shallow end of the pool. i'd be set if dudes could stick their dicks in my jokes, but since this flabby crippled body comes with them, my chances hover around the slim to none range when it comes to getting laid with the recurrence and frequency that my ego would like to. barf i'm too exhausted to have sex, but you know what the fuck i mean. the validation you get from being able to turn down a boner connected to a handsome, interesting person is just as good sometimes. especially when the naproxen is too far to reach without getting up from the bed. thank horus i'm sitting down so hard on this one I'M HORIZONTAL.

question five: do people like you? on second thought, THIS might be the one people are the most clueless about. my answer is yes, but only on the internet. just like everybody else on the planet i have, like, six real friends. don't bullshit me, you fakers. facebook friends and bitches you recognize from high school in the grocery store DO NOT COUNT. i'm talking real people that you have actual conversations with on a weekly basis. i'm talking people who will pick you up from the airport or visit you in the hospital; hoes who will spend a saturday afternoon goofing around in target with you or help you move out of one three-story walk-up into another. ON A HOT DAY. oh, there's no one in your life who fits that description? then you don't have any friends, son. sorry to break it to you. but don't feel bad, i spend most of my time alone watching television and cursing the outside world, too. whilst SEATED.

by this point you should probably be humbled to the point of suicide, but if somehow you aren't feel free to ask yourself how much money do i really make? (not enough to be impressive.) and what cool shit am i into that sets me apart from all these other assholes? (absolutely nothing.) there are a lot more, but i'm sure you get my point. and if you don't, console yourself with the knowledge that you are the human manifestation of said point. anyway, i'm not that awesome, and neither are you. so let's rejoice in our regularity.

 I know a ton of people who would do well to look through this and rethink what they are expecting the world to give to them.

Headline: Vogue Italia Puts Three Plus-Sized Models On June Cover

My response? These bitches are not even fucking fat!

Check out this last girl. That is a plus sized model...........fuck I am fat. I could maybe pass for an obese model by this standard. And that is fucked. No wonder so many girls spend their time puking up everything they ate or not eating at all. This is plus sized?
I'm not advocating anyone being unhealthy, but women are constantly sent the message "You are not thin enough." Putting skinny bitches or average sized bitches on the cover of magazines and calling them plus sized just perpetuates and adds to the negativity that already infests most women with regards to body image.
Ugh, I fuckin hate media and what it does to women and men alike.

Tom Brady

Ok, if you watch NFL, you probably hate Tom Brady. Sure, I admit, there are some Patriots fans out there. But most of us aren't and if you aren't you probably hate the Patriots and that douche bag Brady.

So, I found this for you. Tom Brady, with his long lady type hair, going down a water slide and screaming like a scared 8 year old. You are welcome.

Subway Has Avocado

In case you were high on something and thinking it would be cool to get the avocado on your sandwich at Subway-DON'T. It is 50 cents of bullshit you can't taste. What was I thinking? Avocado is too fancy for Scrubway. They can do pickles, nothing more fancy.

And here is your Google image...I got this by searching subway avocado....God I love Google images.

Candwich

Okay, okay. A lot of weird shit comes in a can. They sell WHOLE chickens in a can. But shit just got a lot more real with the invention of the Candwich.

Can your hunger bitches. You are seeing that right-it comes in grape and strawberry PB&J or (and I think this is the nastiest kicker) BBQ chicken. Each can contains all the fixins you need to make 4 sandwiches, even the fucking bread. Bread from a can.........God-can the US get any grosser? It costs $12, or roughly $3 a samich. I don't know about you, but for $12 I could buy a loaf of bread, some peanut butter and still have money for the jelly. I don't need a $12 can of bullshit and massive amounts of preservatives.
Weird, weird, weird. But we are not the first country to come up with a sandwich in a can. In Sweden you can get a canned cheeseburger. So, they are more fucked than us. Comforting, isn't it?