I am getting old

And so, it has happened. I thought I would feel old at 30, but that is two and a half years away. I feel old now. Last night was Thirsty Thursday, right? I  made a casserole, did laundry and watched Big Love. And was in bed by 11, because I have to get my 8 hours of sleep. Because I am 27 1/2 and I am old.

I am now morally offended by late nights. Not too long ago my weekends consisted of staying up until 3:30, 4, even 5 am. Now, get me home by 1am. It's not like I'll turn into a pumpkin or anything, just a raging fucking bitch. If I stay out past 1am, that means I will be wasted drunk. Which means the next day I will feel like shit all day. I remember when I could grab some Taco Bell/Pizza Hut express and my hangover was GONE. Now, I am lucky if it doesn't last into a second day. That shit makes a bitch crabby.

And crowds. God damn crowds of drunk kids.

Now, I am just waiting, in terror for my metabolism to slow down.

I'm OK, You're OK

It has arrived. The dreaded day for single folks. Last year I fell out of a chair and hit my head on a wall. I think I got drunk too. Probably. But, single Valentines day always makes me sad.

But not this year.

I feel....nothing. Not sad. Not lonely. Not jealous. For the following reasons:

1. I don't watch TV. Seriously. The first time I heard someone speak the words Valentine's was when Robert Inskeep said it on NPR this morning. No lame jewelry and card commercials were in my face, reminding me.

2. For reals, I don't know anyone who has a relationship that I would be dying to be in. Bad sex, distrust, distance, crazy, boredom, cheating..........I hear about it all. And it isn't making me want to be boo'ed up.

3. I've become somewhat anti-contrived corporate bullshit in my old age. Only so much I can handle. Valentine's Day is a made up holiday, by a card company, to exploit romantic love for financial gain. Commercializing love? Is there nothing you won't let them sell you?

4. No one really knows much about Saint Valentine, except that he was martyred and thought to be buried on Feb. 14. So, yea, let's celebrate love today.........?

There. See? I don't care and you shouldn't care.

I hate your fucking Facebook post

There is your funny. Now, lets get down to business.

I have Facebook, nothing else. Ok, I have Google+ to post jokes on.........that no one will ever see. I have Facebook so that I can judge people, stalk crushes and self promote my awesomeness.

But man, I am starting to fucking hate people's Facebook posts. The following are some things you can do to make me want to unfriend you:

-STOP POSTING PICTURES YOU TAKE OF YOURSELF. We get it. You think you look good in that photo. So, you posted it, with some stupid random musing or some self pitying I am so ugly shit in the hopes of receiving compliments. You know what it looks like? DESPERATE. And like you have no friends. If you did, they would take the picture for you. But, probably not post it because it would be creepy and weird and to be honest-they don't give a fuck. If your friends don't give a fuck, stop putting it on Facebook.

-STOP POSTING PREGNANT BELLY PICTURES YOU TAKE OF YOURSELF. See all of the above and then add that some shit is personal and should be left as such. Your 400 Facebook 'friends' don't want to see that shit. Send it to your baby daddy.

-STOP TAGGING YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER'S NAME IN EVERYTHING. We get it, you have a significant other. But, I don't give a fuck that you are at the store together. You don't need to tag him/her in a status that says you had a great night together. WHAT THE FUCK? Why don't you just tell that other person? When you blow up Facebook with your relationship the message sent is that you need everyone to know it so that they will think more of you, you need self validation from your relationship. You need counseling. Not a significant other and a Facebook account.

-STOP SHARING THAT HORRENDOUS PICTURE OF A SAD CHILD WITH SOME WEIRD DISEASE. Facebook won't donate $1 and you are a fucking idiot.

-STOP WITH THE HASHTAGS. I can tell in your status you are not linking to a Twitter feed. Facebook isn't Twitter.

There. And that is a the short list. For fuck sake, use Facebook wisely.

A little Friday LOL