Cause you need to understand love

“We are all a little weird and life’s a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.”

-Dr. Seuss

From Maggie

"Virgins don't go around touchin dicks."

For your thoughts

Thankful

I like all this Facebook stuff about being thankful. I wanna get in on it, blog style. The last five weeks have been rough but rewarding. So I am thankful for the following:

-My friend Susie, the first person I hit up when Blake told me he had a date. Sobbing and on Gchat, she was there for me and made me laugh. And as I was feeling down the following weekend I got a note from Sue with a list of all the reasons Blake sucks. She printed it twice, on red and yellow paper, with a nice border. She has continued to hear me out on my BS.

-My sisters, who have and always will listen to all my stuff. Who remind me all the time that I am worthwhile.

-My friend Kiya who came over my first Friday night alone and talked shit with me.

-My buddy Laura, who came over the day of Blake's date even though she works and goes to school full time and is super busy. She has continued to be positive and a great influence. And will watch my cats over the holiday! A job usually reserved for Blake.

-Michelle my bell, who is super supportive and a super shiny and happy influence. She met with me this evening to let me pick her brain about house buying so that I can continue to pursue my dreams. And was super excited about the possibility of looking at houses with me!

-Matthew, aka MJ, who listened to me yell on the phone about Blake's shitty decision to join match.com too. He helped me with a project a needed a man/drill for (well, Scott did it after we failed). He cracks me up daily and buys me forties sometimes.

-My B, the best mother in the entire world. She has heard me out on everything. She always answers my calls, even if I am interrupting a movie for her. Whether I am in a good mood or crying or being crazy, she will support me. I decoupaged a card she gave me onto my bookshelf. On it she wrote - "I am forever in you corner." So true.

It is always when life gets a little rough that you realize how much you have and how important it is to maintain it and appreciate it.

Single Contingency Plan

Another Friday night getting drunk with my cats and doing a puzzle. Man, even my cats must be like  - "bitch, why are you home so much?" CAUSE I AIN'T GOT SHIT TO DO. But sit around in over sized sweat pants and a flannel and watch the Chappelle show because I am trying to recapture life seven years ago or some shit.

My friends are various kinds of occupied. Messing up relationships, moving away for relationships or getting knocked up. Or I just don't like them. Or they are busy. 

While I was begrudgingly running on the treadmill tonight I was reading a Glamour article about being married. And it was all like when you are married you don't hang out with single friends because they are always on the prowl for their next man. So, my future is looking pretty grim since I know a bunch of married or almost married ladies. Also, fuck you Glamour. 

And the match dating scene is blah. I am losing hope. Then I saw the hot gym guy that I fantasize about asking out working out with his girlfriend this evening. Dagger in my heart. 

I think that I may be single for awhile more. I hate most dudes or they hate me because I do shit like be awesome and not shop and cut my own hair. Man, the world is scared of white girls who aren't stereotypical WHITE girls. Lame.  So, here is my single contingency plan:

1. Keep saving money for my own house. I don't need my neighbors hearing me lose at Madden or crying over Blake's match profile. Plus I wanna grow weed in the basement. And get a dog that will cuddle with Bobby Wobbles but will go straight for the jugular on an intruder. 

2. Exercise more. Man, I really thought I have been losing weight. It was amazing. Even when I didn't work out the scale I bought kept showing weight loss. Then I figured out if you stand on different parts of the scale it would tell you different weights. So, yea.....I guess you can't sit on the floor and eat a shit ton of peanuts and expect them pounds to fall off. Mostly I want to remain relatively cardio conditioned so I can survive the zombie apocalypse. 

3. Volunteer. AKA try to meet dudes while being all philanthropic. I should do more with the Democratic party (I know I really missed the boat with the whole Presidential election) because I want to meet a Liberal dude because they will go down on you more and better. For reals. 

4. A gun. Let's be real when I buy the house from step one there will be no dude to wake up if I hear a noise in the middle of the night. So, I will wake up my glock and go explore shit. 

5. A sperm donor. For realsies. Every time my mom and I talk about the possibility of me being single forever (I bring it up, she never would because she knows I am too awesome to be on the market long) I tell her that I will artificially inseminate myself at 38. I want a mixed baby too because they are cuter. I'll be damned if I deny the world a little T. If it is a girl, I promise you - Theresa Jane Grimason, Jr. The world will be more shocked than when I told the Catholic church I wanted to be confirmed as Thomas. 

6. Keep married friends. You will need to borrow their husbands. Not for sexual favors (pervs) but for the lifting of heavy things. For the completion of difficult projects that require massive biceps or some shit. Or just changing that light bulb from the ceiling light that you can not reach from a chair. Just hope the bitches you know don't get divorced. 

7. Get AAA so there will always be some dude around to change your tire. 

8. (Maybe) Go lesbian. 

See, I GOT A PLAN to live without a man. Most of them suck anyway, huh?

I AM A ONE ISSUE VOTER

And I vote on genitals. That's right.

I want a candidate who doesn't care who is bumpin uglies. Two vaginas? Two dicks? A couple of pre-ops? I don't give a fuck. Let em all get married. From what I can tell it sucks and mostly ends in divorce. Welcome to heterosexual hell.

Also, leave my goodies alone. Fuck your transvaginal probes. Fuck your attack on Planned Parenthood (I know all you rebellious girls was hittin that place up before you hit 18). I am not planning on having an abortion but if I get pregnant right now you better bet it is either that or I am going to get drunk and take a hanger to my vag. 

Betty White said it best about Romney and Ryan when she said "For a couple of guys who are so against homosexuality, they sure seem to hate vaginas."

Advice

"Better to be slapped with the truth than kissed with a lie."
-Russian Proverb


Real Talk.

Hello Rape Culture

T Goes the Full Islam

So, I have been taking a four day class this week. In it is this Pakistani dude from Saudi Arabia. Shams.  He is into the T. He keeps telling me to come to Saudi Arabia and he will show me around. Thing is we are all working for organizations that are relatively small. This mother fucker is talking about raising billions of dollars. SO HE IS RICH.

This morning, as I was, um, have my morning green coffee stuff, I fantasized on being a rich white lady in Saudi Arabia. First of all, my dream is to have an swimming pool. And I bet this mo could buy me an in ground one. We would have servants.

Sure, I couldn't drive but little do they know - I fucking hate driving. We could hire some male driver to drive me around and escort me places when I wanted to leave the house.

I did read you can't drink there or it is frowned upon. But a rich white chick? Please, I can sniff out vodka like a blood hound. Plus, Shams and I would be traveling around the world for his job so....yea.... I'll get drunk in Turkey.


Anyway, being rich sounds like it rules. So if I disappear you know I am rich in the middle east somewhere.

I can't say this on Facebook...

Because people would cry.

But I think it is rich the Catholic Bishops Conference is sooooooo concerned with unborn children but they are soooooo willing to cover up child molestation.

FUCKING RICH.

We love ya, till you are born. Message sent. Assholes.

Pregnancy Tests

I got to thinking all about all of this the other day. One of my favorite people in the world, who is pregnant, was texting me that she found out she was having a boy. She's married, they have a house, it's all good.

While doing this I was staring down a pregnancy test deciding whether or not to take it. I don't own a house, I am not married and I don't want a baby cause I heard you can't drink when you are harboring a fetus. And I am drinking a vodka tonic right now. I want to slap anyone who says a microwave minute is the longest minute. They have never experienced a pregnancy test minute. I suppose when I grow up that minute may be exciting but now it is terrifying. I'm like a 28 year old Juno.

Only I would abort.

Here is why I was staring down the pregnancy test: it seems like the second you take that shit your period starts (or for me, I guess I am lucky). It is like the Universe laughs in your face and says way to waste like $7.

Buying a single pregnancy test is also bullshit. First of all, lets be honest, if you need one you probably will need like 100 in the future. I bought a single test once. And you know what happened? The mother fucking control line did not show up (Helpful tip: do not drink vodka to make yourself have to pee (god, I drink too much vodka)).

I suppose one day when I don't do shit like write profanity filled blogs while eating corn on the cob and vodka for dinner and avoiding being productive that maybe these tests will be exciting rather than terrifying. But for now...

That pregnancy test I was staring down? I was about to pee on it when my period started. Guess I out smarted the Universe.

(Update: I took my first pregnancy test with a friend and her boyfriend, an IU football player named Emile. He died while I was writing this.  http://scoop.hoosiershq.com/2012/10/former-iu-defensive-tackle-emile-bass-dies-at-age-26/

I am pissed

No, I am damn near livid. Like - texted Matthew I wanted to light up a bunch of straight white boys to make a political point. Some mother fucker told me tonight my father was DUMB for serving in Vietnam. Some GOP asshat said that. Real talk. And then he got mad because I was like you kids that grew up rich just really don't get it. George W. Bush gets to serve in the Air Force during Vietnam? Romney gets to 'serve his church'. Here is your CCR realness:

It ain't me either.

Don't ever tell me my father, WHO SERVED OUR MOTHER FUCKING COUNTRY, was dumb for doing so. We don't all grow up with a silver spoon in our mouths but I for damn sure would like to shove it up some privileged motherfucker's ass.

This is just...hilarious

Sooooo, Anne Romney had plane trouble over the weekend. The cabin filled with smoke but thankfully no one was hurt and the plane was able to land safely in CO. Mitt had a somewhat interesting take on the incident:

“I appreciate the fact that she is on the ground, safe and sound. And I don’t think she knows just how worried some of us were. When you have a fire in an aircraft, there’s no place to go, exactly, there’s no — and you can’t find any oxygen from outside the aircraft to get in the aircraft, because the windows don’t open. I don’t know why they don’t do that. It’s a real problem. So it’s very dangerous. And she was choking and rubbing her eyes. Fortunately, there was enough oxygen for the pilot and copilot to make a safe landing in Denver. But she’s safe and sound.”

You heard it from Mitt first. They need to make it so you can roll down the windows on planes. Because, you know, that wouldn't be a motherfucking disaster.

I hope you giggled. I did.

Too White

Some people are too white. Yes, it is possible.

Today at work we were discussing famous people from Indiana. They got all the obvious ones (Read: white or the Jacksons). So I said-Vivica Foxx is from South Bend. To which someone responded - who is Vivica Foxx? They didn't know who Mike Epps was either.

And it isn't just like a lack of pop culture with these ladies. While discussing the show the Wire with them they admitted they had to rewatch some episodes because they couldn't understand what the characters were saying...most of whom are black. I mean, I am not young and hip any more so sometimes the new slang in rap has to be researched on Urban Dictionary.com. But I understood every word Stringer and Marlo and Brody said on the Wire. Because they were speaking English.

But man, it is everywhere. I went with a group downtown for Super Bowl. We rode the bus and....there were black people there. Some of these white chicks lose their shit around black people. They get louder and dumber- as if to prove they aren't uncomfortable while simultaneously proving they are uncomfortable.  The black people my little sister and I were standing by were making sooooo much fun of these chicks for being stereotypical stupid white girls. I was embarrassed to disembark the IndyGo with them.

I know what you are thinking - T, how can you make these judgements? I am LILLY FUCKING WHITE. Like, my little sister rode horses and we lived in the country and I do douchy things like yoga and getting organic produce delivered to my home. However, I still manage to understand what black people are saying. And, you know, the classic white person line - I have black friends.

I gotta think about these chicks though. They probably grew up in neighborhoods without black people in them. They went to schools that probably had like 3 black kids in them. They probably went off to college and joined a Greek that was full of more white people and then accepted a job somewhere that had like one or two token minorities. I guess that really isn't their fault.

It just is like being stabbed in the head to hear them talk.

What I wish I could say on a first date

Sometimes it takes too damn long to find out all the weird quirks and possible turnoffs and deal breakers about someone. I wish that I could just have an honest first date with someone where we lay out all of the things that are weird about us. I would wear my Darth Vader shirt and he could wear whatever the fuck it is boys wear when they are not trying too hard to impress someone. I would want to share the following things:

-I HAVE A DEAD DAD. For realsies, I hate when people are like what do your parents do? Because I can't just stop at my mom but I hate having to drop the bomb on someone and then they get all embarrassed and say sorry. It is just uncomfortable.

-MY LEFT EYE IS LAZY. And they both squint when the sunshines so I look crazy. It only comes out when I am tired or really drunk.

-I DO ILLEGAL THINGS THAT AREN'T THAT BAD. Yeah.

-IF YOU DON'T LIKE MY CATS I WILL NEVER LIKE YOU. I always want to have pets around and this could include cats. I can tolerate the allergy excuse but if you are just like - I don't like cats - it would never work.

-I HAVE THE WORST PMS EVER. And that is real talk. Like, one time I cried because someone wanted to tell me why JFK was evil. ???? Yea, I don't know either. It isn't just tears either. I'll get pissed if you spill water out of the ice tray while refilling it and it won't be a small thing. Also, PMS makes me really hungry. And I get angry when I am hungry.

-I AM CHEAP. See this haircut? I did it at home. I reuse ziplocks. I don't have cable. I don't hardly shop. I've discovered expired ketchup doesn't make you sick.

It would be nice if you never had to make a good first impression. I am not asking anyone to listen to me talk about exes or that dude who is my 'friend' that I am banging. I just want to be like - here, you may not like this about me.

Chris Brown's New Tattoo

I was going to say presented without comment but I can't NOT comment. This guy is a giant douche bag.

Garbage

I got home last night after having a couple drinks and almost four hours of amazing conversation with really empowered women. And I started streaming the DNC on CSPAN and who should come on but Sandra Fluke.
And she was preaching it. (For the full speech click here.) Here was my favorite part:

In that America, your new president could be a man who stands by when a public figure tries to silence a private citizen with hateful slurs. Who won't stand up to the slurs, or to any of the extreme, bigoted voices in his own party. It would be an America in which you have a new vice president who co-sponsored a bill that would allow pregnant women to die preventable deaths in our emergency rooms. An America in which states humiliate women by forcing us to endure invasive ultrasounds we don't want and our doctors say we don't need. An America in which access to birth control is controlled by people who will never use it; in which politicians redefine rape so survivors are victimized all over again; in which someone decides which domestic violence victims deserve help, and which don't. We know what this America would look like. In a few short months, it's the America we could be. But it's not the America we should be. It's not who we are.
We've also seen another future we could choose. First of all, we'd have the right to choose. It's an America in which no one can charge us more than men for the exact same health insurance; in which no one can deny us affordable access to the cancer screenings that could save our lives; in which we decide when to start our families. An America in which our president, when he hears a young woman has been verbally attacked, thinks of his daughters—not his delegates or donors—and stands with all women. And strangers come together, reach out and lift her up. And then, instead of trying to silence her, you invite me here—and give me a microphone—to amplify our voice. That's the difference.

Guess which paragraph is about our President? (HINT: It is the second).

I was so hype I couldn't keep off the Facebook with it and I made my status "Sandra Fluke at the DNC-get it girl! Speak the truth, the GOP is all about a war on women." To which my cousin (who is actually a really nice guy) responded: Garbage.

I was really disturbed, ya know? How was any one capable of denying that the GOP had some sort of vendetta against vaginas?

So here, with out further ado, without Google, just off the top of my head, the crazy shit the GOP has done and said recently that would suggest to me that they are kinda assholes and kinda waging a legislative war on our freedoms:

-Remember like two weeks ago when Todd Aiken said that if a woman is legitimately raped she can't get pregnant cause a lady's body has a way to shut that whole thing down.
-And remember when Mike Huckabeee said that rape babies could grow up to be good people so we have to protect them from abortion.
-Or when that guy in PA compared rape babies to having a baby out of wedlock. I guarantee one is more fun than the other. (Not rape).
-Or when that woman who was an Republican party chair in AK said that women who are raped should be happy to get pregnant because it is a blessing.
-Before all this VP nod stuff, Paul Ryan introduced a bill to redefine rape as forcible rape when talking about which abortions medicaid will pay for....because...you know...some rape isn't forcible...? Dafuk?
-Rush Limbaugh called Sandra Fluke a slut for testifying before Congress about the benefit of insurance companies providing birth control. Remember when Mitt Romney said that wasn't the word he would use? I think he prefers whore.
-What about when that rich GOP funder said that women could keep aspirin between their knees as birth control?
-How bout the Michigan House where two women were BANNED from speaking on the floor for saying the word vagina during a debate on legislation having to do with abortion.
-Remember when the house held a hearing on contraception and all their 'experts' were white men?
-Gov. Bob McDonnel of VA would like all women seeking abortions to have transvaginal ultrasounds. Yea, they want to probe our vaginas for being wanton sluts and getting pregnant.
-24 hour waiting periods for getting an abortion, mandatory prolife counseling during which politicians have forced doctors to share with women factually incorrect data about abortions and the associated health risks.
-How about the constant effort to demonize and defund Planned Parenthood? Planned Parenthood-that provides birth control, STD checks, AIDS tests, Cancer screenings and basic pap smears. Abortions make up three percent of their services and the Federal aide to Planned Parenthood takes up something like 0.02 percent of the budget.
-Defunding welfare programs and food stamps is hot on the GOP list - these are benefits that overwhelmingly support single mothers and their children. Oh-they are coming for WIC too.
-Defunding Medicare and gutting Medicaid which - again - overwhelmingly support women.
-The refusal to support the Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay Act - cause, you know, that sounds super sketchy....
-There is a woman right here in Indiana that tried to kill herself and because she was pregnant at the time they arrested her. But not until she got out of the hospital.

That was just off the top of my head as I sat here eating dinner. So, is there a war on women?

Arbitrary Reasons I Have Rejected Men on Match.com

- An insult to my PS3. Never insult a girl's gaming system.

- I rejected a doctor because he wrote how r u instead of how are you.

-I reject all persons who have names like Dukeballer or IndyBuckeye or IndianaPatriots. They all seem really dumb and their poor choice of sports teams reflects that. I also reject anyone who says something to the effect of "My faith is important" or "My relationship with God is number one." Men who mention wanting an active girl really mean that want a super skinny girl and so I decline to let them decline me.

-One dude claimed to love good beer and then told me his favorite beer is Sam Adams Seasonal. Dumb.

-One said he wasn't too into video games and proceed to tell me how he spent the entire Labor Day weekend playing them. He assured me he did thai chi (WTF) and that he would join a gym. He ended the message with "Was your weekend productive? Please tell me your weekend was productive."

-Ok I am still debating about the guy who wrote me this:

It's always a little weird to write to a person you don't know but I looked your profile and something caught my attention. I think that a girl as beautiful, brave and drawn must necessarily love life and smile a lot! Behind your pictures, there are probably many other qualities but I'm curious to know if you're as friendly, interesting and pretty as your profile suggests. 

He was really trying but I reached WTF at him calling me drawn. I was like isn't that a bad thing? So, I consulted the internet. Of course the first definition is the past participle of draw. Here are the other two:

2. Tense, Haggard3. Eviscerated, like a fowl. 

I just want to respond like.....so you like haggard?

-I rejected some guy who was a consulting engineer for NASA, the Department of Defense and other cool sounding things because I am horribly shallow person and he looked like an extremely pudgy Tom Sellick. And....I just....couldn't.

Oh my....just.....my vag wants to hide under the covers

A guy running for sheriff in NH said some scary stuff. From TPM:

In an interview on Wednesday with local television station WMUR, Szabo said he believed sheriffs were granted special powers under the Constitution. That means, he said, he would be empowered to arrest or even use deadly force against doctors for providing legal abortions for women.
“I would hope that it wouldn’t come to that, as with any situation where someone was in danger,” Szabo said. “But again, specifically talking about elective abortions and late term abortions, that is an act that needs to be stopped.”

Is anyone else like...yea...no. And why in God's name are you giving Sheriff Arapaio ideas?!!!

Oh, oh and look at this nugget from a guy running for PA Senate:

An Associated Press reporter asked Smith, “How would you tell a daughter or a granddaughter who, God forbid, would be the victim of a rape, to keep the child against her own will?” Smith replied, “I lived something similar to that with my own family. She chose life, and I commend her for that. She knew my views. But, fortunately for me, I didn’t have to. She chose the way I thought. No, don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t rape.” What was it, then? His daughter had “a baby out of wedlock.” Asked if that was similar to rape, Smith stammered, “No, no, no, but … put yourself in a father’s situation, yes. It is similar. But, back to the original, I’m pro-life, period.”

 So, premarital sex=rape?....sorta? (not at all). Can you guess that this guy is a Republican as well?

Here is what President Obama said:

Rape is rape. And the idea that we should be parsing and qualifying and slicing what types of rapes we are talking about doesn't make sense to the American people and certainly doesn't make sense to me. So what I think these comments do underscore is why we shouldn't have a bunch of politicians, the majority of whom are men, making healthcare decisions on behalf of women.

 Don't you just want to hug him FOR FUCKING GETTING IT? (Ok, so I don't like that the whole discussion ignores the fact men can be raped but to be fair he was responding the that awful Akin guy saying that ladies who get for real raped can't get pregnant.)

God, the Republicans should just shut up about sex and rape and abortions already.

Also, Herman Cain would like you to know that if Obama is reelected there will be no pizza for anyone ever again......? Yea, this guy was a front runner for the GOP nomination.

The crazy train picks up steam.......

What do you do when you get the sads?

I buy my self things. Weird things

First I bought this. In all honesty, I've been thinking about getting one of these for like 4 months because my couch is atrocious and needs to be covered...by microsuede.

Then the sads set in something fierce. I got drunk by the pool and when I got back to my computer, I ordered this:

To be fair, I have had my eye on this for a long time it was just the $10 cost seemed daunting. But I was like FUCK IT. I really like Firefly and Serenity and I will have this bracelet featuring a sweet Captain Reynolds quote.

Then I broke my favorite glasses. So, Sunday I reordered them while at the same time ordering this epically weird/fun pair of glasses:

\

Finally, I purchased myself a $7 bottle of beer. SOMETIMES WE ALL JUST NEED PRESENTS. And I never shop. Except this weekend.

Perhaps the best headline EVER

Happy Friday, you beautiful people.