Adventures in Online Dating - This Shit Sucks

I canceled my Match subscription. I'm not super worried about it. Love has 18 days to find me on there.

I HATE online dating. Because I hate a lot of people based on really superfluous (shallow) things. I could hate the way he laughs. The way he holds his beer. His total presence. Plus, the interwebs is crawling with shy dudes and there is nothing that disgusts my vagina more than a man who lacks a pair and won't speak up. You can hide all these things so well on the internet, because you just message someone.........so you can pretty much be the person you hope you are.

I want to meet a mother fucker when they are in their full glory of who they are-not who they want to be on the internet. I want to already know I am attracted to someone. Not vaguely think so from some pictures that might be like 5 years old before you put on those 30 lbs and started losing your hair.  Ick. And I want someone to like me for me too. I don't want to be walking on egg shells about the fact that I drink A LOT and smoke cigarettes sometimes while doing so. I want someone who already knows that about me and likes it. Or at least tolerates it. I want someone who has been around me and knows I'm pretty weird.

Plus, internet dudes are weird and not in the cool way I am weird.. Like, yea, I can see why you aren't dating anyone, creep. I was talking to this one dude for a LONG ass time. He asked me to hang out 3 times. Once he invited me to his house (WTF dude, I don't even know you) and twice he invited me to a movie.....on a Sunday night at like 9........Can't we just make plans ahead of time? I don't even know you and your first impression of me can't be Sunday Theresa. I would at least like time to take a shower. WTF. Then this dude had the nerve to tell me he thought I was scared of him...........men are fucking idiots. I got pretty sassy and he stopped talking to me. I'm really not trippin.

Seriously, online dating makes me so depressed about being single, because it makes my options look like they SUCK. Then I worry that I suck for being on there. So I quit, at least until I'm 30!

Update: I hate online dating because these are the kind of people who contact me:

Tuesday Funny

I Want to Date a Deaf Dude

For real.

So, I was at Broad Ripple Bagel Deli, because it is pretty much the greatest place in the world, in walks this group of 10 people. All of them deaf and signing away. I caught one guy's eyes a couple of times and he was CUTE. I flash my flirty smile or whatever and walk out. As I strolled through Broad Ripple, I pondered in whether I would want to date a deaf dude and the answer is hell yes.

I once dated this guy who couldn't hear that well. He has some inner ear issues and had surgeries, whatever. But, sometimes I would be talking to him and become aware that he wasn't hearing any fucking thing I was saying. We avoided a lot of arguments because instead of getting mad because he didn't listen, I reminded myself that he probably just didn't HEAR me. It was great.

But a deaf dude? I would have to learn sign language, but that is small potatoes compared to the joy of knowing if I am trying to communicate something to him, he would have to give me his undivided attention. And imagine how often you want to tell a guy to SHUT THE FUCK UP? That would never be a problem or if it was, I could simply close my eyes. Problem solved. Plus, he would be good with his hands. From the signing. At least, I am assuming this.

So, I will start googling Indianapolis Deaf Groups and see what I come up with.

Ridiculously Awesome Quote - Clementine Paddleford

"Never grow a wishbone, daughter, where your backbone ought to be."

-Journalist Clementine Paddleford

President Clinton Tells It Like it IS

A well placed ABC microphone was able to catch a short exchange between Paul Ryan and former President Clinton. Clinton said the following:

“”So anyway, I told them before you got here, I said I’m glad we won this race in New York,” Clinton told Ryan, when the two met backstage at a forum on the national debt held by the Pete Peterson Foundation. But he added, “I hope Democrats don’t use this as an excuse to do nothing.”” – ABC News

Yes! I know that Democrats will be pissed at being put on blast, but come on! The Democrats are becoming notorious for bowing to Republican demands. They were lulled into a false sense of security after the 2008 elections, which is why they were shocked in 2010. With the crazy Republicans wanting to take adequate healthcare away from seniors, this is the Dems chance to stick it to the Republican right! Only if they keep coming after the Republicans, because the Republicans never stop coming at them. Let's do this shit in 2012. 

Ridiculous Dance Party - Brother Ali

If you aren't listening to Brother Ali, you are missing out. This song is called Us.

Trying to Cock Block Tornado Relief

The country has been in the throws of some crazy weather the last couple months. Joplin, Missouri has been hit especially hard after a tornado leveled the town and left 119 dead. President Obama told survivors on Monday "We're here with you. We're going to stay by you." Exactly what you would hope a smart and compassionate person may say............
Bring on the Republican stupid! In response, House Majority Leader Eric Cantor said (from the Washington Post):

 "If there is support for a supplemental, it would be accompanied by support for having pay-fors to that supplemental," Mr. Cantor, Virginia Republican, told reporters at the Capitol. The term "pay-fors" is used by lawmakers to signal cuts or tax increases used to pay for new spending.

Yes, you read that right. Rep. Cantor is suggesting that if the government is going to provide assistance to the victims of the tornado, there are going to have to be cuts to other programs to make up the difference. Which we all know, from recent history, would turn into a huge fight, with Republicans making outrageous demands.

The lack of care or concern for the victims in Missouri belies a larger problem in the Republican party-they don't care about the citizens of this country so much as they care about their own re-election and people making over $250,000 a year.

Some photos of the damage in Joplin, MO:

And the Republicans would like to delay funding while they fight with Democrats over what to cut to help these people. Perhaps I am too much of a bleeding heart Liberal (for reals, I have a Libertarian friend who calls me that), but that just seems fucked up.

Ridiculous Dance Party - Sims

Enjoy.

Enjoy Some Not Ridiculous Poetry by Saul Williams

The Wind's Song

the square root of kiss is a hum
i hum under my breath when i contemplate the drum
of your heartbeat
and my heart beats for your breath
i revel in the wind for mere glimpses

i'm tornado over you
would you look into the eye of my storm
i whirlwind through your life like breeze
and fill your lungs
as we achieve the second power of a hum

i love...

as instruments come to life
through breath
the wind sends my high notes to indigo communions
with Coltrane's Favorite Things

...this is my body which is given for you,
this is my blood which is given for you...

my love like the wind, uncaged
blows time into timeless whirlpools
transfiguring fear and all of its subordinates
(possession, jealousy, fear)
into crumbling dried leaves

my love
is the wind's slave
and, thus, is free

my love
is the wind that is shaped
as it passes through the lips of earthly vessels
becoming words of wisdom
songs of freedom
or simply hot air

my love
is the wind's song:
if it is up to me, i'll never die.
if it is up to me, i'll die tomorrow
one thousand times in an hour and live seven minutes later.
if it is up to me, the sun will never cease to shine
and the moon will never cease to glow
and i'll dance a million tomorrows
in the sun rays of the moon waves
and bathe in the yesterdays of days to come
ignoring all of my afterthoughts
and preconceived notions
if it is up to me, it is up to me
and thus is my love:
untainted
eternal
***
the wind is the moon's imagination wandering:
it seeps through cracks
explores the unknown
and
ripples the grass
my love is my soul's imagination
how do i love thee?
imagine

The Trickle Down Effect

Ridiculously Funny

Wasting Time

I'm not talking about just an afternoon or a day. I'm talking about wasting like an entire fucking year. Which I did, in 2010. I wasted my time dating a dude who apparently wasn't dating me. We were 'friends', as he likes to repeat over and over again. Apparently friends:

Cuddle
Hug (mostly initiated by him, with the request to squeeze)
Spend every waking moment together and most nights together
Make sad faces when you say you won't spend the night (him)
Make out
Fuck
Meet parents (I met his multiple times and helped put together their entertainment center)
Take each other out to dinner
and
Share their most intimate secrets, fears, hopes, etc, shit you don't usually tell even your friends

Most of my friends SUCK (prudes) by that definition, but then again I don't think that is describing a friendship so much as it sounds like dating. But, what the fuck do I know? I'm still single.

So, it all came crashing down after spending an entire weekend together, after having a really deep and personal conversation where he told me things he said he hadn't told others and having sex. We were spooning and he decided to tell me that he was dating someone else. Tactful, no?

So, I banished dude from my life. For a solid three months and I was HAPPY. But assholes do like they do and he crept back in. With all this sobbiness about how his friends are mean to him, how he doesn't know if he likes this girl, how he is depressed, how he thinks of breaking things off with her so that I'll come to stupid fucking trivia night at his house. I'm empathetic. It hurt my heart because I think I loved this dude and you don't like to see people you care about in pain. And I was hopeful. Maybe he missed me. And I'm terrified of dying old and alone. So, whatever. I'll be your friend.

But being friends means that sometimes if I call or text he won't answer because he is with her. It means that sometimes we can't hang out, because I refuse to cross paths with my replacement. I don't want to sit around some skinnier than me bitch with a PhD who is apparently good enough for him to label girlfriend and think of all the reasons why I'm not. I don't know what she looks like (a friend told me she was UGLY-maybe for my feelings, but all the same, I hope she is) and I do that anyway. Every time I hang out with this dude it makes me sad because it isn't the same. And because my constant inner monologue turns into "You are too slutty, too stupid, you drink too much, you are too dumb, you are fat, you are ugly, you are boring, you are unworthy, you would be better off dead." FOR REAL. This dude makes me feel so bad about myself that I think I would rather be dead and I am hanging out with him because HE is depressed. Fuck that. 

I got uber embarrassingly emotional. Having a mini melt down because he wouldn't hang out with me because she was going to be around. I was hating on myself sooooooooo bad, crying in my car on the way home from work, anticipating a lonely evening, when inspiration (self righteousness? self preservation?) hit.  I sent him a text that just said "I'm sorry. I can't do this. Please leave me alone." And so he has.

I expect my mood to continue to improve exponentially.

I was kind of jealous of this chick. Until I realized I wasn't. Like, congrats on getting a dude who doesn't like to leave the house, expresses his uncertainty about you to other women, even suggesting getting rid of you for them and who is disappointing in bed. And NEVER talks. Not to mention a limited ability to be joyful and fun. Insert sarcastic Charlie Sheen 'Winning' joke here.

I think, ultimately, it wasn't even about this guy. It was about the rejection and my own insecurities that no one will ever again want to bestow upon me that all important title 'girlfriend'. Giving into those fears though, leaves you trippin about substandard men or dating one because you are desperate not to be alone. It's like Savannah says in Waiting to Exhale-"Men are really good at making women feel like they should be desperate. Thank God I don't buy that shit." Amen.

Look-in a word (ok 3 words), I'm pretty fucking awesome. I graduated cum laude with double majors. I work at an art museum. I have more hobbies than you can shake a stick at. I volunteer. I maintain a blog with 2,000 hits in the 3 months its been up. I'm smart and can hold a decent conversation. I'm funny (or at least I crack me up). I'm pretty able to get down in any situation. I'm fun. And mother fuckers love to be around me. Plus, I think I have a nice ass. Or, at least, I like it's shape. There's nothing wrong with me because some asshole won't call me girlfriend. There would be something wrong with me if I LET some ASSHOLE call me GIRLFRIEND just for the sake of the title. For real.

Wasting time on dudes is not cool. Life is short. And I'm too awesome.

Being Awake at 5am

Sucks.....

Shooting Your Sibling

So, I was driving to work like a week ago and I heard this local news story that caught my attention. It was about an 13 year old boy who had been convicted of shooting his 11 year old brother. The 11 year old brother lived, thank God. But, could you imagine living with your sibling if they shot you? That shit would be crazy for the rest of your life. Do you eventually get to joke about it? I think in my family it would have like 3 years before it turned into a joke.

I hope my sisters are reading for this. Keep in line bitches. Don't make me get my gun.......

To Maggie

Rick Santorum

Who? Me?

Ok, ok, you are like who the fuck is that guy? At least most of you are, because you don't spend your every waking moment with news blogs on your screen, NPR in your ear or PBS on your TVs. But this sexy hunk'o'man is Rick Santorum, former Senator from Pennsylvania and a giant douche bag.

So, Barack Obama and our military went straight gangster on Osama Bin Laden and that pissed the Republicans off. Since, you know, their last President started all those wars and pledged to find Osama, but then got bored and declared victory without actually finding him. The Republicans had to find something, anything, to take some small piece of this victory. Know what they picked?

You guessed it - TORTURE!

The idea being-since they defended torture and torture led to the discovery of Osama Bin Laden, everyone should be patting them on the back. The problem? Torture had nothing to do with it. Don't believe me? Leon Panetta, CIA Director:

 “In the end, no detainee in CIA custody revealed the facilitator/courier’s full true name or specific whereabouts. This information was discovered through other intelligence means.”

Anyway, what does that have to do with Rick? Rick Santorum is thinking of running for President on the GOP ticket (isn't everyone?). In a radio interview, he was asked to respond to the fact that John McCain was running around telling anyone who would listen that finding Osama had nothing to do with torture. Here's what Rick said:

I don’t, everything I’ve read shows that we would not have gotten this information as to who this man was if it had not been gotten information from people who were subject to enhanced interrogation. And so this idea that we didn’t ask that question while Khalid Sheikh Mohammed was being waterboarded, he doesn’t understand how enhanced interrogation works. I mean, you break somebody, and after they’re broken, they become cooperative. And that’s when we got this information. And one thing led to another, and led to another, and that’s how we ended up with bin Laden.

 In case you missed that there, this douche just told John McCain, a former POW who was tortured, that he doesn't understand how torture works. That is.....fucked. John McCain isn't my favorite person in the world (for his politics, I still totally want him to be my Grandpa), but the man endured a lot of pain while serving our country. To imply that someone who has experienced it, doesn't get how it works is the height of arrogance.

He needs to be waterboarded, just for being a douche bag.

Ron Paul

Ron Paul just announced that he will be running for President for the third time. The 75 year old Libertarian is a hit amongst younger voters in their late teens and twenties, mostly because he advocates the legalization of  drugs (I'm guessing). And those kids will jump behind anyone who is vocal about that (I am all for legalizing weed though).
I can respect his message of personal freedom, but dude has come out the gate making some absolutely crack head remarks.

On Fox News Sunday:

Wallace: “You talk a lot about the Constitution. You say Social Security, Medicare, Medicaid are all unconstitutional.” Paul: “Technically they are. There is no authority. Article 1, Section 8 doesn’t say I can set up an insurance program for people. What part of the Constitution — liberals are the ones that use this general welfare clause.”
Wallace: “Doesn’t Social Security come under promoting the general welfare?"
Paul: “Absolutely not. Maybe sound currency is general welfare, maybe markets, maybe judicial system, maybe a national defense, but this is specific welfare. This justifies the whole welfare state. The military industrial complex, the welfare to foreigners, the welfare state that imprisons our people and impoverishes our people and gives us our recession.
That is such an extreme liberal viewpoint that has been mistaught in our schools for so long. That’s what we have to reverse, that very notion you’re presenting,”
Wallace: “Congressman, it’s not just a liberal view. It’s the decision of the Supreme Court in 1937 when they said that Social Security was constitutional under Article 1, Section 8 of the Constitution."
Paul: “The Constitution and the court said slavery was legal, too. We had to reverse that. So, I tell you. Just because a court in ’37 went very liberal on us and expanded the role of government, no, I think the original intent is not a bad idea."

 Getting called out by Chris Wallace of Fox News? Whoa. But Wait, there is more........From a Chris Matthews interview on MSNBC:

MATTHEWS: You would have voted against that law. You wouldn’t have voted for the ’64 civil rights bill.
PAUL: Yes, but not in — I wouldn’t vote against getting rid of the Jim Crow laws.
MATTHEWS: But you would have voted for the — you know you — oh, come on. Honestly, Congressman, you were not for the ’64 civil rights bill.
PAUL: Because — because of the property rights element, not because it got rid of the Jim Crow law.
MATTHEWS: Right. The guy who owns a bar says, no blacks allowed, you say that’s fine. … This was a local shop saying no blacks allowed. You say that should be legal?
PAUL: That’s — that’s ancient history. That’s ancient history. That’s over and done with. [...]
MATTHEWS: Let me ask you this. We have had a long history of government involvement with Medicare, Social Security, the Civil Rights Act, the Voting Rights Act. And I think you are saying we would have been better off without all that?
PAUL: I think we would be better off if we had freedom, and not government control of our lives, our personal lives, and our — and policing the world.

 Whoa, whoa whoa, I get that he is all about states rights, but did dude just say Jim Crow laws were a-okay and that the Civil Rights act was too much government control over our lives and a threat to personal freedom? Whose personal freedom? The freedom of white people to treat black people like shit? Holy fuck.

And one more nugget of wisdom from Dr. Ron Paul, from an interview with Wolf Blitzer:

BLITZER: On the whole issue of FEMA, the Federal Emergency Management Agency, do you want to see that agency ended? PAUL: Well, if you want to live in a free society, if you want to pay attention to the constitution, why not? I think it’s bad economics. I think it’s bad morality. And it’s bad constitutional law. Why should people like myself, who had, not too long ago, a house on the Gulf Coast and it’s – it’s expensive there and it’s risky and it’s dangerous. Why should somebody from the central part of the United States rebuild my house? Why shouldn’t I have to buy my own insurance and protect about the potential dangers? I mean it’s – it’s a moral hazard to say that government is always going to take care of us when we do dumb things. I’m trying to get people to not to dumb things. Besides, it’s not authorized in the constitution.
BLITZER: And if there’s a disaster, like flooding or – or an earthquake or Hurricane Katrina, what’s wrong with asking fellow Americans to help their – their – their fellow citizens?

PAUL: Nothing. And I think Americans are very, very generous and they have traditionally. The big problem is Americans are getting poor and they’re not able to voluntarily come to the rescue. But to coerce people, to ask them to help, that is fine and dandy. But when you bankrupt our country and nobody has a job and then they say, well, FEMA needs to bail out everybody, then all we’re doing is compounding our problems.

Tell that to the recent tornado victims. Ron Paul says "Sorry, you shouldn't have built your house where a tornado was going to come....don't do dumb things." I'm really hoping don't do dumb things emerges as his campaign slogan.
Wow, the Republican field for the Presidential election is.......fascinating. In the same way that Jersey Shore is-you can't stop watching the crazy stupid train wreck. I was gonna make a Pauly D./Donald Trump joke, but then I remembered I like Pauly D.  
And because Google Images is the best in the world you get this:

Hilarious, but slightly offensive considering how much I like Magneto.

Online Dating

Online dating can be ridiculous. Like this guy who just sent me a note describing himself as a "semi smart guy". Really? Semi smart? I'm semi not interested. But EVERYONE is doing the online thing now a days. Seriously, people just don't talk about it. But I guarantee more than one of your single friends spend sometime on the interwebs looking for love.

The nice part is that with a click of a search button you can be like-let's see, no losers lacking a degree, no kids and no one shorter than me......search. That kind of control is great and something that is lacking in, say, a bar. Well, you can avoid short dudes, but most people don't walk around with their degree on their shirts. They should though.

But, no matter how many times you reiterate in your info that you require a college degree and no kids from a significant other, these people always message anyway. Probably because they can hardly read and their messages come out like -"Hey hottie, u seem relly kool. We shuld hang out sumtime. L8tr". WTF is that? Klingon?

The prevalence of total creepsters is unavoidable. I had this dude message me like 4 times in one day. He got no answer but he still continued to contact me. Message 1-You seem really cool, want to chat sometime? Message 2 - Would you rather chat online or on the phone? Message 3 - Here's my phone number. Message 4 - So, when would you like to chat?...........This dude wasn't even waiting for an answer. Obvious rapist.

It's also super easy to lie on there. Guys lie about height and how much money they make, because they feel like these things are directly related to their penis size. I bet ladies lie mostly about their weight, because it's how we do. I call myself "about average". I think that is true. And anyone who says differently-fuck you, because I wear one size smaller than the national average for women my age. BOOM.

I instantly reject the following people:
People who mention an intense love for Jesus, because I would just disappoint them cause I can't muster the same. Plus, I make too many Jesus jokes.
People with kids
Persons who don't have ANY photos they didn't take themselves (where the fuck are your friends and why don't they take pictures of you?)
Any dude that describes himself as shy at first-I'm not into coaxing people out of their shells. Been there, done that, boring.
Anyone who mentions a profound disgust of bars and/or drinking events. I'm not asking for someone to be an alcoholic, but I like to party sometimes. I can't be with a dude that's a bitch.
Dudes that don't like animals (suck)
Anyone who mentions how into working out they are and/or says they are interested in an 'active' girl-It ain't me babe, no, no, no..........

I highly recommend making a list of qualities that make a dude an instant reject. Not only for the online dating world, but so that you always know what you DON'T want and can keep an eye out for what you do.

The Evolution of Dating as We Age

Love used to be fun. Seeing a boy at school everyday. Seeing where it went. You developed crushes, drawing hearts around your names and writing your name with his last name. There was something exciting about day to day life. Will I see him? Will he talk to me? What should I wear in case he sees me?

But all that changes once you hit collegish age. There are no time for crushes when you meet and make out with a dude, drunk, in a bar and then have to sit through an awkward date with him. Or you meet online and go back and forth for awhile until you are forced to sit through an awkward date with him. There are no crushes just-I'll give this dude a shot... and crushing disappointment. No, I am sure that shit works out for some people. But it lacks intrigue and excitement. Intentions are known. You like them or you don't. End of story.

I want a CRUSH on someone. I want to wonder if he has a crush on me. That shit is just more fun. 

There is an IT guy at work that I find so attractive. He's tall, works with computers and has a tattoo (one visible at least). Already so hot. I get nerdy about this shit. I was hyped when I needed a patch from the Windows website installed on my computer and I couldn't do it since I lacked administrator rights. Like-I get to see this dude and look all smart when I say "I know how to solve the problem already, just need you to do it." My week was made when I learned we were getting a new printer in my area installed today. I've already found some random crap to file and checked my mailbox, just to walk by. I was pumped yesterday because I saw him (this place is HUGE, not an everyday occurrence) and I was wearing some banging high heels.

It's just fun. I know nothing probably will ever happen. Plus, I THINK I saw a car seat in his car. But I like to remind myself I wasn't wearing my glasses and banish that thought to the back of my mind. The presence of a child pretty much takes a man out of the running for me and I don't want this crush to be ruined.

You should get a crush too. All the cool kids are doing it.

GOP Congressmen and Prayer

So, mother nature is fucking PISSED at the US lately. Rain, floods, fires, drought, tornadoes. And since the GOP knows that this is all God's punishment for America having a black President, some in Congress decided to propose a resolution asking for citizens in the country to pray. In an email circulated by the office of Rep. Randy Neugebauer (R-Texas), recipients were asked to co-sponsor H Res 254 cause mother fuckers need to be praying.........An excerpt of the email:

Severe tornadoes and record amounts of flooding in the South, Southeast, and lower Midwest have taken hundreds of lives and caused thousands of injuries. Property damage could reach into the billions of dollars, uprooting entire communities throughout the region. The Southern Plains, lower Mississippi Valley, and Southwest have been experiencing the worst drought conditions in decades, leading to wildfires that have burned more than 2.2 million acres and caused massive losses in agricultural production. These wildfires have resulted in deaths, the destruction of homes and business, and severe financial hardship.
Many communities have been devastated by these disasters, but have maintained a spirit of resiliency, hope, and faith. It is only appropriate that Congress and the American people come together in prayer for the victims of the disasters and their families, and for the fair weather conditions that these regions desperately need.

 Exactly! Why didn't we think of it before?! That's what they need. PRAYERS. In addition to Rep. Neugebauer, Reps. Stevan Pearce (R-N.M.) and Spencer Bachus (R-Ala.) signed the email. All of these guys were in favor of drastically cutting funds available for disaster relief during the budget debate. But that is because they know that money never solved anything or helped anyone. Money won't rebuild houses or put food on the..........wait.
Yea, fuck you GOP. Keep your prayers. Part of believing in a higher power is believing that it gave you free will to move through life as you please, reducing or adding to the evil in the world. Pray all you want, but if you are screwing over the poor and the downtrodden, I doubt your higher power is giving you brownie points for throwing a couple of Hail Marys to the sky. Giving lip service to helping people is not the same as actively working to improve their lives.
Just another example of the Republicans grand plan to fuck over everyone making less than $250,000 a year.
And what ever happened to a separation of church and state?

Trippin about an asshole

I can't be mean about it, because I've done it too, but why does it seem like all the chicks I know are forever trippin about some dude that ain't worth the cardboard applicator of a tampon? Crying and stressing over dudes like this is counterproductive. And that shit makes me feel DUMB. I have to talk myself out of it and back into thinking the right way.
If he is any of the following:
Uneducated
Unemployed
Still letting his parent pay his cell phone bill
Not going any where
Unable to commit
Balding
Bad in bed
Can't hold a conversation
Doesn't pursue any activity beyond the DVR, video games or 'music' (let's face it, every asshole and his brother plays the guitar)
Never has original ideas
Lives with his mom
Can't figure out how to pop the hood of your car (seriously, this dude forced his help upon me because he thought I didn't know what I was doing and then couldn't even pop my hood-nice try dumb ass)
Can't out drink you
Has no interest in going anywhere besides home or one of the 3 restaurants he likes
Annoying
Short/Scrawny
Only has friends who also think he is a loser

Then he is not worth your time or your tears. Go out and let someone else hit on you. Get an online dating profile and let better dudes contact you so you can be like-man, why was I sad? On ta da next one.

The truth is-there are a lot of good dudes out there, even though it doesn't seem like it. They have brains and degrees and careers and own their own cars and houses. They have feelings and respect and chivalry. They are well rounded and fun and you can take them out into public without worrying about feeling like a dumb ass standing near them. Find these men.

Being Forced to Cheer for Your Rapist

Read the full story here. Or I can sum it up for you-A girl in Texas gets raped at a party. Three men are arrested and charged with the assault, including basketball player Rakheem Bolton. Bolton plead guilty to sexual assault, but the charges of rape were dropped. The victim in this is also a cheerleader. She was kicked off the cheerleading squad when she refused to cheer for Bolton specifically during a basketball game. The cheerleader and her parents sued the school, claiming that they had violated the student's first amendment rights.

Their lawsuit argued that HS's right to exercise free expression had been violated when she was instructed to applaud her attacker. But two separate courts ruled against her, deciding that a cheerleader freely agrees to act as a "mouthpiece" for a institution and therefore surrenders her constitutional right to free speech. In September last year, a federal appeals court upheld those decisions and announced that HS must also reimburse the school district $45,000, for filing a "frivolous" lawsuit against it. 

 The Supreme Court refused to hear the case, but made no comment as to why.

Doesn't is just piss you off, not only that this case had to go to court, but that the courts ruled AGAINST the victim? A woman got in trouble for not wanting to cheer on her rapist. That's fucked up.

From the beginning, the school should've handled that better. I believe it was her right not to sing the praises of her ra-ra-rapist. What does it matter if one cheerleader sits out for one cheer? Oh, my bad, I forgot that male athletes some how had a free pass in the world and can't be condemned too much for their actions (that theme is consistent at any level-high school, college, pros).

It doesn't get much more misogynistic than this. The victim pretty much just had to pay $45,000 for standing up to her rapist. That is some HATEFUL shit right there. Where is the love, the sensitivity for this woman who was the victim of a violent crime?

So many rapes and sexual assaults go unreported because women are scared: of not being believed, of repercussions, of backlash. This girl stood up for herself. She took a stand, being brave enough to not only prosecute her attackers, but also to further stand up for herself by refusing to cheer for one of them. For that she was punished.

He Man Woman Haters..............Gotdamn.

Human Breast Milk Cheese

Ok, ok, so in London an ice cream shop was selling breast milk ice cream and now an artist in NYC brings you: Breast Milk Cheese. Click here to read the full article. Gross much? The artist described the purpose of her work:

Simun said she hoped her cheese will make people think about the various ways human bodies are used as "factories," producing blood, hair, sperm, eggs and organs that can all be harvested to be used by others.

That is really not what I think of when I hear breast milk cheese. But then, maybe I am just not deep enough to get 'art'. I really can not believe someone got paid for this. I think I'll start manufacturing sperm protein bars and calling it art.  The title would be "Sperm: Giving life through consumption (Beyond Conception)". Art.

The world is super weird.

Republican Pot Heads?!

And you thought only liberal hippies smoked pot.

Rep. Watson ousted as RI House Minority Leader after pot bust

BAM-Stereotype bustin.

Ridiculous Realization - I can't date an unhealthy person

I know, I know. You are like, what the fuck T? YOU can't date someone who is unhealthy. YOU who may or may not be addicted to Totinos party pizzas? Ms. Iliketohavesomeciggieswhiledrinkingmyvodka? No, I am not the healthiest person in the world, but I am not unhealthy. I want someone on my level. On that let's do a three mile run just so we can drink beer and not feel bad type of shit. Or the lets buy a box of Cheezits and slam the whole thing in two hours but not every week type stuff.

People get happy fat in relationships all the time. Even people more on the healthy end of the spectrum. I don't need some dude encouraging me to eat out for every meal or to lay around on the couch and eat a ton. I already fight those urges on a daily basis without a partner in crime easing my mind into thinking 'this is ok, even if your ass doesn't fit in your jeans anymore'. Because it isn't ok for me.

Given a little encouragement in that direction, I would be happy to lay on the couch eating massive amounts of junk food and canceling my gym membership.

And is a little exercise too much to ask? Let's be honest-not only are out of shape people more likely to die sooner, but they are worse in bed. Sex is cardio and if you can't handle five minutes of cardio........well, then you probably get out of breath after 4 minutes of sex. Useless to a lady.Useless.

And I am not just talking overweight dudes. I actually prefer a guy who is bigger than me and would never touch skinny jeans. But,  I've met plenty of skinny guys who get out of breath walking up stairs and live off of McDonald's. Unhealthy and I don't want that shit either. I want someone who will encourage me to make positive choices regarding my health. No, I NEED someone who sets a good example. 

Let me be straight: I'm not looking for some 6pack gym rat on a permanent south beach diet. I just want someone who thinks like me. I balance out the myriad of unhealthy things I do with a decent amount of exercise and mostly healthy diet. I want to be equal parts healthy and unhealthy.

The next guy who tells me he goes to the gym solely to work off beer calories will pretty much have my heart, as long as he has a college degree and no kids and a car.............

Not Ridiculous - Star Wars day!

I love Star Wars, the OG ones at least. And guess what today is? It is Star Wars day! May the fourth be with you..........get it?
Also, I love Google images for bringing me this:

People who read their texts aloud to you

Pet peeve? Probably. Is anyone else violently annoyed by having text messages read to them? Or having a phone shoved in your face and being told to read this?

It's like-you've already summarized the conversation for me, I don't need to read it word for word. You care about it more than I do (unless you were exchanging text messages about me), because people are more apt to be interested in things that involve them. Self centered sounding? A bit, but at least I can admit it. Yea, I'd rather look at pictures that I'm in and I am less into going through stacks of photos I am not in. Similarly, I don't want to read a bunch of text messages that have nothing to do with me. Cause it is just annoying. Phones are conversation killers anyway, stop letting your phone become the whole fucking conversation. Don't read me your texts.

Unless they are hilarious. Like when my friend Katie saw some boy from high school at the bar. He was WASTED and annoying and we had him bounced (shortly after getting bounced ourselves, sorry guys). He proceeded to send her a number of texts about how he thought they had something....hilarious. I think we let her read those to us like 5 times.

Ridiculously awesome lady's rant

My sister sent me this, mad props to the girl who wrote it: http://bitchesgottaeat.blogspot.com/

what's hilarious is that no one has ever accused me of something i might actually be jealous of, like how she can stay awake past eleven pm on a tuesday or her ability to expertly use chopsticks. jealous of your passport full of stamps? MAYBE. jealous of that dude you hate banging who never picks up his fucking dirty clothes? NEVER. being jealous because some bitch has a dude is like being jealous of a goddamned stomachache: i've had one before; and while what i did to get it might have been fun, once i'm actually stuck with it it kind of TOTALLY FUCKING SUCKS. if i knew one single woman who was marrying UP i might change my tune, but everyone i know is sucking the dick of a regular, broke-ass dude. show me a girl who relationshipped her way to some prime property, and i might show you my "damn, i'm jealous" face. the first time i heard "sam's just jealous because i have a man and she doesn't" i almost shit myself laughing. you have a boyfriend, i have a cat. we're even. helen keller does everything a dude does: eats my fucking food, does what the fuck she wants, leaves her shit everywhere, ruins all of my nice things, and never cleans up after her fucking self. she doesn't tell me what she's thinking, she rarely takes my feelings into account, she doesn't pay attention when i talk, and she only wants affection on her terms. SOUNDS LIKE I HAVE A GODDAMNED BOYFRIEND. or, at least, it sounds like i have your goddamned boyfriend.

i know a handful of motherfuckers throwing shade at MY ASS while scrolling through their boyfriends' text messages in the middle of the night trying to figure out whether or not those dudes are seeing someone else. i'm jealous of that, eh? IF YOU SAY SO. (and you totally have been saying so, to more than one of our mutual acquaintances.) you know what i don't have to do? wonder where my boyfriend is all day. wonder why my boyfriend didn't answer his cell phone. wonder why my boyfriend didn't answer his work phone. wonder why my boyfriend's facebook is private. wonder who my boyfriend is texting during dinner. which totally explains why i'm so jealous and bent out of shape all the time. all of this free time to read books and go to shows and cultivate personal interests can really get to a person.

is it really so impossible to believe that a single broad can be happy? is a relationship really the female holy grail?! would i like to be getting laid? maybe. like i've said before, i would much rather get the occasional email from some interested party who would like to fuck me, because actual sex is overrated and uninteresting. (which i bet you mean girls with boyfriends already know.) all my self-esteem is looking for is some validation. it makes me way happier to continue not waxing my asshole and wearing boring cotton underwear that go from my kneecaps to just below my chin. and, like i said, i've DONE THAT BEFORE. i've had someone who swore he loved me not answer my calls and fuck other girls the minute my back was turned and never pay me back the money he owed me and not keep his promises. i might own up to a little seething envy if i hadn't already done the honeymoon-stage thing. oh, wait, i get it. now that it's happening for YOU it's different. okay then.

and i LOVE love, so i hope that for everyone reading this shit it IS different. unless getting laid on the regular has somehow stricken you with vaginal amnesia and you start saying nasty things about your fucking ladyfriends just because you've got a dick in your box. a pox on you people; for you i want nothing more than wilting erections and maxed out libidos. i was told that someone said "it's always the jealous friend who messes everything up" in reference to ME, of all people, and on that i call BULLSHIT. even you happily coupled girls know a bitch or twelve who got a boyfriend or planned a wedding and all of a sudden started treating you like something she scraped off the bottom of her shoe. what is it about being boo'd up that makes some bitches act like they suddenly know some shit? last week you couldn't tie your shoes without help, bitch, but now that fear of dying alone forced you to settle for that dude who works at the gas station you think you can advise me on what i'm doing wrong in MY life? yeah fucking right. and i'm an easygoing person, mostly because if i had my druthers i'd never ever have to get out of bed EVER, but i don't hold anyone to strict friendship standards because i don't want them to do that to me, so i climb on in the backseat or slide myself over to the back burner and give her some space to enjoy her mancake. and it isn't hard, because the more time my lady loves spend with their men, the more goddamned interesting i seem in comparison whenever they finally come up for air.

why i'm not jealous of that dude you're banging: because he doesn't take you out. you've never seen him in the daytime. you don't TALK about anything. you don't know where he lives. you've never met any of his friends. you haven't seen the inside of his car. i like not having to take STD or pregnancy tests unless i feel like having a laugh. i like not having to figure out "if this is going anywhere." or pretending to be okay with "seeing other people." and i could get anonymously banged if i wanted, and so could any other broad reading this, so let's stop pretending like you're sitting on a magic vagina over there, ladies. okay? and i can supply my own orgasms, and i don't have to shove all my dirty laundry in the closet and hide ten bags of trash in the shower before i consult my vibrator. so get out of here with that noise about how good he is in bed.

why i'm not jealous of that dude you're dating: because everyone you know, and even people you don't know, wants to know "where your relationship is going." you can't have three dinners and a movie date with some dude before the postman, your yoga instructor, the checkout girl at walgreens, and the bitch who cut your hair that one time three years ago want to know exactly what stage you two have reached. do you like him? does he like you? are you exclusive? are you sure you're exclusive? has he taken down his okcupid profile? does his ex still call him? when are you moving in together? when are you getting a dog together? did he give you a set of keys to his car? are both names on the lease? is he the marrying type? has he bought a ring? is he THINKING about buying a ring? does he want kids? does he want kids with you?!

having a regular sex partner just leads everyone else on the planet to believe that they have a vested interest in your relationship, and i prefer to tell my business to the internet, thankyouverymuch. i can't think of anything worse than having to fill everyone in on the state of my union all the time. and bitches don't really care, they're just waiting for you to reveal something scandalous or terrible to make themselves feel better. MYSELF INCLUDED. i have not, ever, in the history of ever, repeated a nice story some girl told me about her boyfriend. because i don't care about surprise flowers at the office. i have, however, told everyone i could think of, including strangers on the street, about the dude who took a dump in your hair or the other one who got your sister pregnant. because i'm a big fan of cautionary tales. and the opposite of jealous.

why i'm not jealous of that dude you're marrying: because i know a lot of divorced bitches. and a lot of broke-ass couples. listen, i can be regular by myself. i would like to get married for better health insurance. or regular access to a decent car. i need someone i could roll over and borrow fifty dollars from who understands that when i say "borrow" i mean "i'm never giving this back to you." every time a bitch on a budget turns her nose up about my not having someone to file my taxes jointly with i just think, "well what did yours come with?" bad credit? a mountain of debt that you're now half responsible for? none for me, thanks. and i would rather be dead then tell some dude my ATM pin, let alone give him carte blanche with my money. i'm thrilled to pieces that you have to sit down at the kitchen table once a week with a shoebox of receipts and explain to a grown fucking man why having money to pay the electric bill is more important than upgrading his game console, but please wake me up when we get to that part that makes me feel bad about myself. maybe the noise from that bouncing check will be loud enough to do it.

i've never in my life said that i want to be married. which is why i was left scratching my noggin at the assertion i might not be anything but happy for someone who is. i have very specifically said that i'd like someone to count my pills and make sure i end up in the best nursing home, but that does NOT have to be a husband. as a matter of fact,  it's more likely that my care will actually be up to my standards if it isn't. i like my name. i like being able to tell a dude to kick rocks without taking him to court to do so. "til death do us part" is a BIG COMMITMENT, man. and i'm not ready for that. am i impressed and happy that some of you are? YES. am i dying inside because i haven't yet had the opportunity to plan an overblown party i'm too broke to pay for? ABSOLUTELY NOT. i'm not ready to sign up for having some dude be my problem for THE REST OF MY LIFE. if i wanted someone to nag and yell at all the time i'd have a goddamned baby. and besides, most weddings are just a parade of everything you couldn't really afford to do, and i'd much rather stress myself out trying to save up the money to spend my summer on a boat in the bahamas instead of catered crab puffs and shrimp toast.

so for all you gorgeous girls braiding your armpit hair and leaving shit in the toilet for a day and masturbating while you stand at the kitchen sink, this is for you. keep enjoying your alone time and only having to look after your own socks. and make sure you put a nuvaring on it.

I laughed the entire way through. Don't even call this girl jealous. She'll write an epic blog post about you. I think I'll email her and be like-I think you are jealous of my blog. Just to see what happens.

Donald Trump - Again!

This guy is just too funny. Here is how Donald Trump explained his opposition to gay marriage:

“It’s like in golf,” he said. “A lot of people -- I don’t want this to sound trivial -- but a lot of people are switching to these really long putters, very unattractive,” said Mr. Trump, a Republican. “It’s weird. You see these great players with these really long putters, because they can’t sink three-footers anymore. And, I hate it. I am a traditionalist. I have so many fabulous friends who happen to be gay, but I am a traditionalist.”

That makes it all so much clearer. Gay people are like unattractive putters and everyone knows putters can't get married. I GET IT NOW.

Thanks the Donald.

Ridiculously Awesome

Stoned Sandwich & Burrito Artists

I've read before that the restaurant and bar industries have the highest incident of drug and alcohol abuse. From my time spent at Pizza Hut in the early 2000's, I know that anecdotaly to be true. And let's make no mistake, this isn't an attack on potheads in general. I love potheads.

But, I hate the ones that work at Subway, Jersey Mike's, Chipotle, etc. While most fast food establishments give you very little choice, these establishments are devoted to people having a multitude of options for their sandwich and/or Mexican fare. And this is awesome. You move through a line, instructing the employee what you do or don't want in your food. This gets kind of dicey when you get a kid who pretty obviously smoked a bowl in his car on the way to work while listening to Bob Marley and wearing a beanie. All of a sudden, a stoner who would be just fine handling the easy menus of other fast food joints, is forced to listen and absorb what a customer is saying. Shit is hard, especially if you aren't making that much $$, so you don't care.

A serious conversation I had with a stoner sandwich artist at Jersey Mike's:

T-I'll have spicy mustard
Pothead-What?......
T-Spicy mustard
PH puts oregano, black pepper and salt on my sandwich
T-No, SPICY MUSTARD (I'm trying to be loud, without being a douche)
PH-We don't have any other spices besides those
T-No, like the condiment. Spicy mustard.
PH grabs oil and vinegar
T- NO!!!!!!! (I hate this stuff, so shit got real)
Finally, another employee, who had been watching this, amused, steps in and says spicy mustard

Frustration. Frustration. I have have told Qdoba workers I want a vegetarian burrito, only moments later to witness them stock piling that with chicken. I've requested no sour cream, but cheese, only to watch in horror as they put on a bunch of sour cream and no cheese.

This is not a condemnation. No one should lose their job or start drug testing. If anything, particularly the kid at Jersey Mike's, cracked me up. The fast food restaurant industry is changing. Presenting increasingly difficult challenges to potheads young and old that work in these various establishments. It's hard to care when a constant stream of people just keep naming off toppings to you.

Reactions to the death of Osama Bin Laden

I kind of went off the grid yesterday, avoiding all news/emails/facebook type stuff for the day. So, I missed the whole Osama Bin Laden is dead thing, until I signed into email and facebook this morning and was seeing things like this:

Take that terrorists! We're coming for you!

We got em! Yay America!

and America! Fuck yea!

Does it escape anyone else's notice that this took 10 years? What is the threat there? We're coming for you terrorists-in like a decade, after we start other wars and forget about you for awhile and then, yea........

Don't get me wrong, I'm thrilled that it happened and even more pleased that it happened on the watch of a Democratic president. But I think it may have made more of a difference 5 or more years ago, when Al Qaeda was controlled by a more central group. Recent documents posted on Wikileaks revealed that Al Qaeda trained groups from around the globe in the last 5 or so years, with the understanding that the group could not help with planning and logistics of attacks, but any attack carried out on the west was good. Bin Laden was, more than anything, just a figurehead for an organization made up of many independently operating cells who all share a hatred for western culture. I'm not sure that his death necessarily makes us safer.