This is just...hilarious

Sooooo, Anne Romney had plane trouble over the weekend. The cabin filled with smoke but thankfully no one was hurt and the plane was able to land safely in CO. Mitt had a somewhat interesting take on the incident:

“I appreciate the fact that she is on the ground, safe and sound. And I don’t think she knows just how worried some of us were. When you have a fire in an aircraft, there’s no place to go, exactly, there’s no — and you can’t find any oxygen from outside the aircraft to get in the aircraft, because the windows don’t open. I don’t know why they don’t do that. It’s a real problem. So it’s very dangerous. And she was choking and rubbing her eyes. Fortunately, there was enough oxygen for the pilot and copilot to make a safe landing in Denver. But she’s safe and sound.”

You heard it from Mitt first. They need to make it so you can roll down the windows on planes. Because, you know, that wouldn't be a motherfucking disaster.

I hope you giggled. I did.

Too White

Some people are too white. Yes, it is possible.

Today at work we were discussing famous people from Indiana. They got all the obvious ones (Read: white or the Jacksons). So I said-Vivica Foxx is from South Bend. To which someone responded - who is Vivica Foxx? They didn't know who Mike Epps was either.

And it isn't just like a lack of pop culture with these ladies. While discussing the show the Wire with them they admitted they had to rewatch some episodes because they couldn't understand what the characters were saying...most of whom are black. I mean, I am not young and hip any more so sometimes the new slang in rap has to be researched on Urban Dictionary.com. But I understood every word Stringer and Marlo and Brody said on the Wire. Because they were speaking English.

But man, it is everywhere. I went with a group downtown for Super Bowl. We rode the bus and....there were black people there. Some of these white chicks lose their shit around black people. They get louder and dumber- as if to prove they aren't uncomfortable while simultaneously proving they are uncomfortable.  The black people my little sister and I were standing by were making sooooo much fun of these chicks for being stereotypical stupid white girls. I was embarrassed to disembark the IndyGo with them.

I know what you are thinking - T, how can you make these judgements? I am LILLY FUCKING WHITE. Like, my little sister rode horses and we lived in the country and I do douchy things like yoga and getting organic produce delivered to my home. However, I still manage to understand what black people are saying. And, you know, the classic white person line - I have black friends.

I gotta think about these chicks though. They probably grew up in neighborhoods without black people in them. They went to schools that probably had like 3 black kids in them. They probably went off to college and joined a Greek that was full of more white people and then accepted a job somewhere that had like one or two token minorities. I guess that really isn't their fault.

It just is like being stabbed in the head to hear them talk.

What I wish I could say on a first date

Sometimes it takes too damn long to find out all the weird quirks and possible turnoffs and deal breakers about someone. I wish that I could just have an honest first date with someone where we lay out all of the things that are weird about us. I would wear my Darth Vader shirt and he could wear whatever the fuck it is boys wear when they are not trying too hard to impress someone. I would want to share the following things:

-I HAVE A DEAD DAD. For realsies, I hate when people are like what do your parents do? Because I can't just stop at my mom but I hate having to drop the bomb on someone and then they get all embarrassed and say sorry. It is just uncomfortable.

-MY LEFT EYE IS LAZY. And they both squint when the sunshines so I look crazy. It only comes out when I am tired or really drunk.

-I DO ILLEGAL THINGS THAT AREN'T THAT BAD. Yeah.

-IF YOU DON'T LIKE MY CATS I WILL NEVER LIKE YOU. I always want to have pets around and this could include cats. I can tolerate the allergy excuse but if you are just like - I don't like cats - it would never work.

-I HAVE THE WORST PMS EVER. And that is real talk. Like, one time I cried because someone wanted to tell me why JFK was evil. ???? Yea, I don't know either. It isn't just tears either. I'll get pissed if you spill water out of the ice tray while refilling it and it won't be a small thing. Also, PMS makes me really hungry. And I get angry when I am hungry.

-I AM CHEAP. See this haircut? I did it at home. I reuse ziplocks. I don't have cable. I don't hardly shop. I've discovered expired ketchup doesn't make you sick.

It would be nice if you never had to make a good first impression. I am not asking anyone to listen to me talk about exes or that dude who is my 'friend' that I am banging. I just want to be like - here, you may not like this about me.

Chris Brown's New Tattoo

I was going to say presented without comment but I can't NOT comment. This guy is a giant douche bag.

Garbage

I got home last night after having a couple drinks and almost four hours of amazing conversation with really empowered women. And I started streaming the DNC on CSPAN and who should come on but Sandra Fluke.
And she was preaching it. (For the full speech click here.) Here was my favorite part:

In that America, your new president could be a man who stands by when a public figure tries to silence a private citizen with hateful slurs. Who won't stand up to the slurs, or to any of the extreme, bigoted voices in his own party. It would be an America in which you have a new vice president who co-sponsored a bill that would allow pregnant women to die preventable deaths in our emergency rooms. An America in which states humiliate women by forcing us to endure invasive ultrasounds we don't want and our doctors say we don't need. An America in which access to birth control is controlled by people who will never use it; in which politicians redefine rape so survivors are victimized all over again; in which someone decides which domestic violence victims deserve help, and which don't. We know what this America would look like. In a few short months, it's the America we could be. But it's not the America we should be. It's not who we are.
We've also seen another future we could choose. First of all, we'd have the right to choose. It's an America in which no one can charge us more than men for the exact same health insurance; in which no one can deny us affordable access to the cancer screenings that could save our lives; in which we decide when to start our families. An America in which our president, when he hears a young woman has been verbally attacked, thinks of his daughters—not his delegates or donors—and stands with all women. And strangers come together, reach out and lift her up. And then, instead of trying to silence her, you invite me here—and give me a microphone—to amplify our voice. That's the difference.

Guess which paragraph is about our President? (HINT: It is the second).

I was so hype I couldn't keep off the Facebook with it and I made my status "Sandra Fluke at the DNC-get it girl! Speak the truth, the GOP is all about a war on women." To which my cousin (who is actually a really nice guy) responded: Garbage.

I was really disturbed, ya know? How was any one capable of denying that the GOP had some sort of vendetta against vaginas?

So here, with out further ado, without Google, just off the top of my head, the crazy shit the GOP has done and said recently that would suggest to me that they are kinda assholes and kinda waging a legislative war on our freedoms:

-Remember like two weeks ago when Todd Aiken said that if a woman is legitimately raped she can't get pregnant cause a lady's body has a way to shut that whole thing down.
-And remember when Mike Huckabeee said that rape babies could grow up to be good people so we have to protect them from abortion.
-Or when that guy in PA compared rape babies to having a baby out of wedlock. I guarantee one is more fun than the other. (Not rape).
-Or when that woman who was an Republican party chair in AK said that women who are raped should be happy to get pregnant because it is a blessing.
-Before all this VP nod stuff, Paul Ryan introduced a bill to redefine rape as forcible rape when talking about which abortions medicaid will pay for....because...you know...some rape isn't forcible...? Dafuk?
-Rush Limbaugh called Sandra Fluke a slut for testifying before Congress about the benefit of insurance companies providing birth control. Remember when Mitt Romney said that wasn't the word he would use? I think he prefers whore.
-What about when that rich GOP funder said that women could keep aspirin between their knees as birth control?
-How bout the Michigan House where two women were BANNED from speaking on the floor for saying the word vagina during a debate on legislation having to do with abortion.
-Remember when the house held a hearing on contraception and all their 'experts' were white men?
-Gov. Bob McDonnel of VA would like all women seeking abortions to have transvaginal ultrasounds. Yea, they want to probe our vaginas for being wanton sluts and getting pregnant.
-24 hour waiting periods for getting an abortion, mandatory prolife counseling during which politicians have forced doctors to share with women factually incorrect data about abortions and the associated health risks.
-How about the constant effort to demonize and defund Planned Parenthood? Planned Parenthood-that provides birth control, STD checks, AIDS tests, Cancer screenings and basic pap smears. Abortions make up three percent of their services and the Federal aide to Planned Parenthood takes up something like 0.02 percent of the budget.
-Defunding welfare programs and food stamps is hot on the GOP list - these are benefits that overwhelmingly support single mothers and their children. Oh-they are coming for WIC too.
-Defunding Medicare and gutting Medicaid which - again - overwhelmingly support women.
-The refusal to support the Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay Act - cause, you know, that sounds super sketchy....
-There is a woman right here in Indiana that tried to kill herself and because she was pregnant at the time they arrested her. But not until she got out of the hospital.

That was just off the top of my head as I sat here eating dinner. So, is there a war on women?

Arbitrary Reasons I Have Rejected Men on Match.com

- An insult to my PS3. Never insult a girl's gaming system.

- I rejected a doctor because he wrote how r u instead of how are you.

-I reject all persons who have names like Dukeballer or IndyBuckeye or IndianaPatriots. They all seem really dumb and their poor choice of sports teams reflects that. I also reject anyone who says something to the effect of "My faith is important" or "My relationship with God is number one." Men who mention wanting an active girl really mean that want a super skinny girl and so I decline to let them decline me.

-One dude claimed to love good beer and then told me his favorite beer is Sam Adams Seasonal. Dumb.

-One said he wasn't too into video games and proceed to tell me how he spent the entire Labor Day weekend playing them. He assured me he did thai chi (WTF) and that he would join a gym. He ended the message with "Was your weekend productive? Please tell me your weekend was productive."

-Ok I am still debating about the guy who wrote me this:

It's always a little weird to write to a person you don't know but I looked your profile and something caught my attention. I think that a girl as beautiful, brave and drawn must necessarily love life and smile a lot! Behind your pictures, there are probably many other qualities but I'm curious to know if you're as friendly, interesting and pretty as your profile suggests. 

He was really trying but I reached WTF at him calling me drawn. I was like isn't that a bad thing? So, I consulted the internet. Of course the first definition is the past participle of draw. Here are the other two:

2. Tense, Haggard3. Eviscerated, like a fowl. 

I just want to respond like.....so you like haggard?

-I rejected some guy who was a consulting engineer for NASA, the Department of Defense and other cool sounding things because I am horribly shallow person and he looked like an extremely pudgy Tom Sellick. And....I just....couldn't.