From Maggie

"Virgins don't go around touchin dicks."

For your thoughts

Thankful

I like all this Facebook stuff about being thankful. I wanna get in on it, blog style. The last five weeks have been rough but rewarding. So I am thankful for the following:

-My friend Susie, the first person I hit up when Blake told me he had a date. Sobbing and on Gchat, she was there for me and made me laugh. And as I was feeling down the following weekend I got a note from Sue with a list of all the reasons Blake sucks. She printed it twice, on red and yellow paper, with a nice border. She has continued to hear me out on my BS.

-My sisters, who have and always will listen to all my stuff. Who remind me all the time that I am worthwhile.

-My friend Kiya who came over my first Friday night alone and talked shit with me.

-My buddy Laura, who came over the day of Blake's date even though she works and goes to school full time and is super busy. She has continued to be positive and a great influence. And will watch my cats over the holiday! A job usually reserved for Blake.

-Michelle my bell, who is super supportive and a super shiny and happy influence. She met with me this evening to let me pick her brain about house buying so that I can continue to pursue my dreams. And was super excited about the possibility of looking at houses with me!

-Matthew, aka MJ, who listened to me yell on the phone about Blake's shitty decision to join match.com too. He helped me with a project a needed a man/drill for (well, Scott did it after we failed). He cracks me up daily and buys me forties sometimes.

-My B, the best mother in the entire world. She has heard me out on everything. She always answers my calls, even if I am interrupting a movie for her. Whether I am in a good mood or crying or being crazy, she will support me. I decoupaged a card she gave me onto my bookshelf. On it she wrote - "I am forever in you corner." So true.

It is always when life gets a little rough that you realize how much you have and how important it is to maintain it and appreciate it.

Single Contingency Plan

Another Friday night getting drunk with my cats and doing a puzzle. Man, even my cats must be like  - "bitch, why are you home so much?" CAUSE I AIN'T GOT SHIT TO DO. But sit around in over sized sweat pants and a flannel and watch the Chappelle show because I am trying to recapture life seven years ago or some shit.

My friends are various kinds of occupied. Messing up relationships, moving away for relationships or getting knocked up. Or I just don't like them. Or they are busy. 

While I was begrudgingly running on the treadmill tonight I was reading a Glamour article about being married. And it was all like when you are married you don't hang out with single friends because they are always on the prowl for their next man. So, my future is looking pretty grim since I know a bunch of married or almost married ladies. Also, fuck you Glamour. 

And the match dating scene is blah. I am losing hope. Then I saw the hot gym guy that I fantasize about asking out working out with his girlfriend this evening. Dagger in my heart. 

I think that I may be single for awhile more. I hate most dudes or they hate me because I do shit like be awesome and not shop and cut my own hair. Man, the world is scared of white girls who aren't stereotypical WHITE girls. Lame.  So, here is my single contingency plan:

1. Keep saving money for my own house. I don't need my neighbors hearing me lose at Madden or crying over Blake's match profile. Plus I wanna grow weed in the basement. And get a dog that will cuddle with Bobby Wobbles but will go straight for the jugular on an intruder. 

2. Exercise more. Man, I really thought I have been losing weight. It was amazing. Even when I didn't work out the scale I bought kept showing weight loss. Then I figured out if you stand on different parts of the scale it would tell you different weights. So, yea.....I guess you can't sit on the floor and eat a shit ton of peanuts and expect them pounds to fall off. Mostly I want to remain relatively cardio conditioned so I can survive the zombie apocalypse. 

3. Volunteer. AKA try to meet dudes while being all philanthropic. I should do more with the Democratic party (I know I really missed the boat with the whole Presidential election) because I want to meet a Liberal dude because they will go down on you more and better. For reals. 

4. A gun. Let's be real when I buy the house from step one there will be no dude to wake up if I hear a noise in the middle of the night. So, I will wake up my glock and go explore shit. 

5. A sperm donor. For realsies. Every time my mom and I talk about the possibility of me being single forever (I bring it up, she never would because she knows I am too awesome to be on the market long) I tell her that I will artificially inseminate myself at 38. I want a mixed baby too because they are cuter. I'll be damned if I deny the world a little T. If it is a girl, I promise you - Theresa Jane Grimason, Jr. The world will be more shocked than when I told the Catholic church I wanted to be confirmed as Thomas. 

6. Keep married friends. You will need to borrow their husbands. Not for sexual favors (pervs) but for the lifting of heavy things. For the completion of difficult projects that require massive biceps or some shit. Or just changing that light bulb from the ceiling light that you can not reach from a chair. Just hope the bitches you know don't get divorced. 

7. Get AAA so there will always be some dude around to change your tire. 

8. (Maybe) Go lesbian. 

See, I GOT A PLAN to live without a man. Most of them suck anyway, huh?

I AM A ONE ISSUE VOTER

And I vote on genitals. That's right.

I want a candidate who doesn't care who is bumpin uglies. Two vaginas? Two dicks? A couple of pre-ops? I don't give a fuck. Let em all get married. From what I can tell it sucks and mostly ends in divorce. Welcome to heterosexual hell.

Also, leave my goodies alone. Fuck your transvaginal probes. Fuck your attack on Planned Parenthood (I know all you rebellious girls was hittin that place up before you hit 18). I am not planning on having an abortion but if I get pregnant right now you better bet it is either that or I am going to get drunk and take a hanger to my vag. 

Betty White said it best about Romney and Ryan when she said "For a couple of guys who are so against homosexuality, they sure seem to hate vaginas."

Advice

"Better to be slapped with the truth than kissed with a lie."
-Russian Proverb


Real Talk.