My friends are various kinds of occupied. Messing up relationships, moving away for relationships or getting knocked up. Or I just don't like them. Or they are busy.
While I was begrudgingly running on the treadmill tonight I was reading a Glamour article about being married. And it was all like when you are married you don't hang out with single friends because they are always on the prowl for their next man. So, my future is looking pretty grim since I know a bunch of married or almost married ladies. Also, fuck you Glamour.
And the match dating scene is blah. I am losing hope. Then I saw the hot gym guy that I fantasize about asking out working out with his girlfriend this evening. Dagger in my heart.
I think that I may be single for awhile more. I hate most dudes or they hate me because I do shit like be awesome and not shop and cut my own hair. Man, the world is scared of white girls who aren't stereotypical WHITE girls. Lame. So, here is my single contingency plan:
1. Keep saving money for my own house. I don't need my neighbors hearing me lose at Madden or crying over Blake's match profile. Plus I wanna grow weed in the basement. And get a dog that will cuddle with Bobby Wobbles but will go straight for the jugular on an intruder.
2. Exercise more. Man, I really thought I have been losing weight. It was amazing. Even when I didn't work out the scale I bought kept showing weight loss. Then I figured out if you stand on different parts of the scale it would tell you different weights. So, yea.....I guess you can't sit on the floor and eat a shit ton of peanuts and expect them pounds to fall off. Mostly I want to remain relatively cardio conditioned so I can survive the zombie apocalypse.
3. Volunteer. AKA try to meet dudes while being all philanthropic. I should do more with the Democratic party (I know I really missed the boat with the whole Presidential election) because I want to meet a Liberal dude because they will go down on you more and better. For reals.
4. A gun. Let's be real when I buy the house from step one there will be no dude to wake up if I hear a noise in the middle of the night. So, I will wake up my glock and go explore shit.
5. A sperm donor. For realsies. Every time my mom and I talk about the possibility of me being single forever (I bring it up, she never would because she knows I am too awesome to be on the market long) I tell her that I will artificially inseminate myself at 38. I want a mixed baby too because they are cuter. I'll be damned if I deny the world a little T. If it is a girl, I promise you - Theresa Jane Grimason, Jr. The world will be more shocked than when I told the Catholic church I wanted to be confirmed as Thomas.
6. Keep married friends. You will need to borrow their husbands. Not for sexual favors (pervs) but for the lifting of heavy things. For the completion of difficult projects that require massive biceps or some shit. Or just changing that light bulb from the ceiling light that you can not reach from a chair. Just hope the bitches you know don't get divorced.
7. Get AAA so there will always be some dude around to change your tire.
8. (Maybe) Go lesbian.
See, I GOT A PLAN to live without a man. Most of them suck anyway, huh?
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