Hello Rape Culture

T Goes the Full Islam

So, I have been taking a four day class this week. In it is this Pakistani dude from Saudi Arabia. Shams.  He is into the T. He keeps telling me to come to Saudi Arabia and he will show me around. Thing is we are all working for organizations that are relatively small. This mother fucker is talking about raising billions of dollars. SO HE IS RICH.

This morning, as I was, um, have my morning green coffee stuff, I fantasized on being a rich white lady in Saudi Arabia. First of all, my dream is to have an swimming pool. And I bet this mo could buy me an in ground one. We would have servants.

Sure, I couldn't drive but little do they know - I fucking hate driving. We could hire some male driver to drive me around and escort me places when I wanted to leave the house.

I did read you can't drink there or it is frowned upon. But a rich white chick? Please, I can sniff out vodka like a blood hound. Plus, Shams and I would be traveling around the world for his job so....yea.... I'll get drunk in Turkey.


Anyway, being rich sounds like it rules. So if I disappear you know I am rich in the middle east somewhere.

I can't say this on Facebook...

Because people would cry.

But I think it is rich the Catholic Bishops Conference is sooooooo concerned with unborn children but they are soooooo willing to cover up child molestation.

FUCKING RICH.

We love ya, till you are born. Message sent. Assholes.

Pregnancy Tests

I got to thinking all about all of this the other day. One of my favorite people in the world, who is pregnant, was texting me that she found out she was having a boy. She's married, they have a house, it's all good.

While doing this I was staring down a pregnancy test deciding whether or not to take it. I don't own a house, I am not married and I don't want a baby cause I heard you can't drink when you are harboring a fetus. And I am drinking a vodka tonic right now. I want to slap anyone who says a microwave minute is the longest minute. They have never experienced a pregnancy test minute. I suppose when I grow up that minute may be exciting but now it is terrifying. I'm like a 28 year old Juno.

Only I would abort.

Here is why I was staring down the pregnancy test: it seems like the second you take that shit your period starts (or for me, I guess I am lucky). It is like the Universe laughs in your face and says way to waste like $7.

Buying a single pregnancy test is also bullshit. First of all, lets be honest, if you need one you probably will need like 100 in the future. I bought a single test once. And you know what happened? The mother fucking control line did not show up (Helpful tip: do not drink vodka to make yourself have to pee (god, I drink too much vodka)).

I suppose one day when I don't do shit like write profanity filled blogs while eating corn on the cob and vodka for dinner and avoiding being productive that maybe these tests will be exciting rather than terrifying. But for now...

That pregnancy test I was staring down? I was about to pee on it when my period started. Guess I out smarted the Universe.

(Update: I took my first pregnancy test with a friend and her boyfriend, an IU football player named Emile. He died while I was writing this.  http://scoop.hoosiershq.com/2012/10/former-iu-defensive-tackle-emile-bass-dies-at-age-26/

I am pissed

No, I am damn near livid. Like - texted Matthew I wanted to light up a bunch of straight white boys to make a political point. Some mother fucker told me tonight my father was DUMB for serving in Vietnam. Some GOP asshat said that. Real talk. And then he got mad because I was like you kids that grew up rich just really don't get it. George W. Bush gets to serve in the Air Force during Vietnam? Romney gets to 'serve his church'. Here is your CCR realness:

It ain't me either.

Don't ever tell me my father, WHO SERVED OUR MOTHER FUCKING COUNTRY, was dumb for doing so. We don't all grow up with a silver spoon in our mouths but I for damn sure would like to shove it up some privileged motherfucker's ass.