Pregnancy Tests

I got to thinking all about all of this the other day. One of my favorite people in the world, who is pregnant, was texting me that she found out she was having a boy. She's married, they have a house, it's all good.

While doing this I was staring down a pregnancy test deciding whether or not to take it. I don't own a house, I am not married and I don't want a baby cause I heard you can't drink when you are harboring a fetus. And I am drinking a vodka tonic right now. I want to slap anyone who says a microwave minute is the longest minute. They have never experienced a pregnancy test minute. I suppose when I grow up that minute may be exciting but now it is terrifying. I'm like a 28 year old Juno.

Only I would abort.

Here is why I was staring down the pregnancy test: it seems like the second you take that shit your period starts (or for me, I guess I am lucky). It is like the Universe laughs in your face and says way to waste like $7.

Buying a single pregnancy test is also bullshit. First of all, lets be honest, if you need one you probably will need like 100 in the future. I bought a single test once. And you know what happened? The mother fucking control line did not show up (Helpful tip: do not drink vodka to make yourself have to pee (god, I drink too much vodka)).

I suppose one day when I don't do shit like write profanity filled blogs while eating corn on the cob and vodka for dinner and avoiding being productive that maybe these tests will be exciting rather than terrifying. But for now...

That pregnancy test I was staring down? I was about to pee on it when my period started. Guess I out smarted the Universe.

(Update: I took my first pregnancy test with a friend and her boyfriend, an IU football player named Emile. He died while I was writing this.  http://scoop.hoosiershq.com/2012/10/former-iu-defensive-tackle-emile-bass-dies-at-age-26/