Sometimes it takes too damn long to find out all the weird quirks and possible turnoffs and deal breakers about someone. I wish that I could just have an honest first date with someone where we lay out all of the things that are weird about us. I would wear my Darth Vader shirt and he could wear whatever the fuck it is boys wear when they are not trying too hard to impress someone. I would want to share the following things:
-I HAVE A DEAD DAD. For realsies, I hate when people are like what do your parents do? Because I can't just stop at my mom but I hate having to drop the bomb on someone and then they get all embarrassed and say sorry. It is just uncomfortable.
-MY LEFT EYE IS LAZY. And they both squint when the sunshines so I look crazy. It only comes out when I am tired or really drunk.
-I DO ILLEGAL THINGS THAT AREN'T THAT BAD. Yeah.
-IF YOU DON'T LIKE MY CATS I WILL NEVER LIKE YOU. I always want to have pets around and this could include cats. I can tolerate the allergy excuse but if you are just like - I don't like cats - it would never work.
-I HAVE THE WORST PMS EVER. And that is real talk. Like, one time I cried because someone wanted to tell me why JFK was evil. ???? Yea, I don't know either. It isn't just tears either. I'll get pissed if you spill water out of the ice tray while refilling it and it won't be a small thing. Also, PMS makes me really hungry. And I get angry when I am hungry.
-I AM CHEAP. See this haircut? I did it at home. I reuse ziplocks. I don't have cable. I don't hardly shop. I've discovered expired ketchup doesn't make you sick.
It would be nice if you never had to make a good first impression. I am not asking anyone to listen to me talk about exes or that dude who is my 'friend' that I am banging. I just want to be like - here, you may not like this about me.
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