No one reads this

Random words into cyber space.

How to Be Poor

Alright, I am not that rich. My rent is a bit too expensive for me. I keep getting traffic tickets (fuckers) and Christmas is a drain. BUT I KNOW HOW TO BE POOR. Well, not super poor. I know how to be hood rich and fabulous. Here are tips:

1. Know what is expensive? Toilet paper. Know who gives it away for free? Your place of employment and plenty of restaurants. I advise you always take your purse with you to the restroom before you leave work/dinner and get you a roll. One ply isn't that bad. Trust.

2. If you have long hair-cut that shit yourself. For reals. No one notices if you mess up. If you got an intense style though, let the pros handle it.

3. Complain. All the time. I like to do it over the phone. Once I complained because I thought I saw weird stuff on a frozen pizza. I ate it anyway and they sent coupons for two more free pizzas. Always complain about fast food online. My sister has gone so far as to take down UPC codes at the store and then use them to complain for free stuff WITHOUT EVER BUYING ANYTHING.

4. Bring your own. Food. Booze. Whatever. I made it 14+ hours at a bar on Super Bowl Sunday and only spent like $30. I had snacks and sandwiches in my purse and booze in my backpack. I recommend getting a flask that isn't metal. Mine is glass covered in leather (from a thrift store) and won't set off metal detectors. Movies, sporting events, whatever. Bring your own.

5. Torrents. Free flow of information folks! If you need tips on how to download torrents so you don't have to buy DVDs or pay for cable- I got you. Hit me on the emails.

A few tips for you.

Heathen Shit

Are you jaded?

Things the GOP controlled House has stopped from happening:

-Signing the UN treaty to protect disabled persons
-Renewing the Violence Against Women Act

'Nough said without going into detail about all the other awful shit they've pulled. Know how I know they are stupid? They choose Boehner to be their speaker again.

I FINALLY FIGURED OUT THE PERKS OF BEING A WOMAN

For realsies bitches. I know, the boys have it easy, huh? They don't get pregnant or have to become uncomfortable masses of sad once a month. Men make more than women for the same work. They kill us or beat us all the time. The media isn't trying to pigeon hole them into some skinny, stupid shell of a human. Plus, they can pee outside while standing and I won't lie, I envy that.

Know what though? Ladies, we have it easier masturbating. See, the boys have what is called ejaculate and it needs to go somewhere. (Hint)

But you know what girls, we don't need that! We can get off and relax.

The perks of being a woman.

Cause you need to understand love

“We are all a little weird and life’s a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.”

-Dr. Seuss

From Maggie

"Virgins don't go around touchin dicks."

For your thoughts

Thankful

I like all this Facebook stuff about being thankful. I wanna get in on it, blog style. The last five weeks have been rough but rewarding. So I am thankful for the following:

-My friend Susie, the first person I hit up when Blake told me he had a date. Sobbing and on Gchat, she was there for me and made me laugh. And as I was feeling down the following weekend I got a note from Sue with a list of all the reasons Blake sucks. She printed it twice, on red and yellow paper, with a nice border. She has continued to hear me out on my BS.

-My sisters, who have and always will listen to all my stuff. Who remind me all the time that I am worthwhile.

-My friend Kiya who came over my first Friday night alone and talked shit with me.

-My buddy Laura, who came over the day of Blake's date even though she works and goes to school full time and is super busy. She has continued to be positive and a great influence. And will watch my cats over the holiday! A job usually reserved for Blake.

-Michelle my bell, who is super supportive and a super shiny and happy influence. She met with me this evening to let me pick her brain about house buying so that I can continue to pursue my dreams. And was super excited about the possibility of looking at houses with me!

-Matthew, aka MJ, who listened to me yell on the phone about Blake's shitty decision to join match.com too. He helped me with a project a needed a man/drill for (well, Scott did it after we failed). He cracks me up daily and buys me forties sometimes.

-My B, the best mother in the entire world. She has heard me out on everything. She always answers my calls, even if I am interrupting a movie for her. Whether I am in a good mood or crying or being crazy, she will support me. I decoupaged a card she gave me onto my bookshelf. On it she wrote - "I am forever in you corner." So true.

It is always when life gets a little rough that you realize how much you have and how important it is to maintain it and appreciate it.

Single Contingency Plan

Another Friday night getting drunk with my cats and doing a puzzle. Man, even my cats must be like  - "bitch, why are you home so much?" CAUSE I AIN'T GOT SHIT TO DO. But sit around in over sized sweat pants and a flannel and watch the Chappelle show because I am trying to recapture life seven years ago or some shit.

My friends are various kinds of occupied. Messing up relationships, moving away for relationships or getting knocked up. Or I just don't like them. Or they are busy. 

While I was begrudgingly running on the treadmill tonight I was reading a Glamour article about being married. And it was all like when you are married you don't hang out with single friends because they are always on the prowl for their next man. So, my future is looking pretty grim since I know a bunch of married or almost married ladies. Also, fuck you Glamour. 

And the match dating scene is blah. I am losing hope. Then I saw the hot gym guy that I fantasize about asking out working out with his girlfriend this evening. Dagger in my heart. 

I think that I may be single for awhile more. I hate most dudes or they hate me because I do shit like be awesome and not shop and cut my own hair. Man, the world is scared of white girls who aren't stereotypical WHITE girls. Lame.  So, here is my single contingency plan:

1. Keep saving money for my own house. I don't need my neighbors hearing me lose at Madden or crying over Blake's match profile. Plus I wanna grow weed in the basement. And get a dog that will cuddle with Bobby Wobbles but will go straight for the jugular on an intruder. 

2. Exercise more. Man, I really thought I have been losing weight. It was amazing. Even when I didn't work out the scale I bought kept showing weight loss. Then I figured out if you stand on different parts of the scale it would tell you different weights. So, yea.....I guess you can't sit on the floor and eat a shit ton of peanuts and expect them pounds to fall off. Mostly I want to remain relatively cardio conditioned so I can survive the zombie apocalypse. 

3. Volunteer. AKA try to meet dudes while being all philanthropic. I should do more with the Democratic party (I know I really missed the boat with the whole Presidential election) because I want to meet a Liberal dude because they will go down on you more and better. For reals. 

4. A gun. Let's be real when I buy the house from step one there will be no dude to wake up if I hear a noise in the middle of the night. So, I will wake up my glock and go explore shit. 

5. A sperm donor. For realsies. Every time my mom and I talk about the possibility of me being single forever (I bring it up, she never would because she knows I am too awesome to be on the market long) I tell her that I will artificially inseminate myself at 38. I want a mixed baby too because they are cuter. I'll be damned if I deny the world a little T. If it is a girl, I promise you - Theresa Jane Grimason, Jr. The world will be more shocked than when I told the Catholic church I wanted to be confirmed as Thomas. 

6. Keep married friends. You will need to borrow their husbands. Not for sexual favors (pervs) but for the lifting of heavy things. For the completion of difficult projects that require massive biceps or some shit. Or just changing that light bulb from the ceiling light that you can not reach from a chair. Just hope the bitches you know don't get divorced. 

7. Get AAA so there will always be some dude around to change your tire. 

8. (Maybe) Go lesbian. 

See, I GOT A PLAN to live without a man. Most of them suck anyway, huh?

I AM A ONE ISSUE VOTER

And I vote on genitals. That's right.

I want a candidate who doesn't care who is bumpin uglies. Two vaginas? Two dicks? A couple of pre-ops? I don't give a fuck. Let em all get married. From what I can tell it sucks and mostly ends in divorce. Welcome to heterosexual hell.

Also, leave my goodies alone. Fuck your transvaginal probes. Fuck your attack on Planned Parenthood (I know all you rebellious girls was hittin that place up before you hit 18). I am not planning on having an abortion but if I get pregnant right now you better bet it is either that or I am going to get drunk and take a hanger to my vag. 

Betty White said it best about Romney and Ryan when she said "For a couple of guys who are so against homosexuality, they sure seem to hate vaginas."

Advice

"Better to be slapped with the truth than kissed with a lie."
-Russian Proverb


Real Talk.

Hello Rape Culture

T Goes the Full Islam

So, I have been taking a four day class this week. In it is this Pakistani dude from Saudi Arabia. Shams.  He is into the T. He keeps telling me to come to Saudi Arabia and he will show me around. Thing is we are all working for organizations that are relatively small. This mother fucker is talking about raising billions of dollars. SO HE IS RICH.

This morning, as I was, um, have my morning green coffee stuff, I fantasized on being a rich white lady in Saudi Arabia. First of all, my dream is to have an swimming pool. And I bet this mo could buy me an in ground one. We would have servants.

Sure, I couldn't drive but little do they know - I fucking hate driving. We could hire some male driver to drive me around and escort me places when I wanted to leave the house.

I did read you can't drink there or it is frowned upon. But a rich white chick? Please, I can sniff out vodka like a blood hound. Plus, Shams and I would be traveling around the world for his job so....yea.... I'll get drunk in Turkey.


Anyway, being rich sounds like it rules. So if I disappear you know I am rich in the middle east somewhere.

I can't say this on Facebook...

Because people would cry.

But I think it is rich the Catholic Bishops Conference is sooooooo concerned with unborn children but they are soooooo willing to cover up child molestation.

FUCKING RICH.

We love ya, till you are born. Message sent. Assholes.

Pregnancy Tests

I got to thinking all about all of this the other day. One of my favorite people in the world, who is pregnant, was texting me that she found out she was having a boy. She's married, they have a house, it's all good.

While doing this I was staring down a pregnancy test deciding whether or not to take it. I don't own a house, I am not married and I don't want a baby cause I heard you can't drink when you are harboring a fetus. And I am drinking a vodka tonic right now. I want to slap anyone who says a microwave minute is the longest minute. They have never experienced a pregnancy test minute. I suppose when I grow up that minute may be exciting but now it is terrifying. I'm like a 28 year old Juno.

Only I would abort.

Here is why I was staring down the pregnancy test: it seems like the second you take that shit your period starts (or for me, I guess I am lucky). It is like the Universe laughs in your face and says way to waste like $7.

Buying a single pregnancy test is also bullshit. First of all, lets be honest, if you need one you probably will need like 100 in the future. I bought a single test once. And you know what happened? The mother fucking control line did not show up (Helpful tip: do not drink vodka to make yourself have to pee (god, I drink too much vodka)).

I suppose one day when I don't do shit like write profanity filled blogs while eating corn on the cob and vodka for dinner and avoiding being productive that maybe these tests will be exciting rather than terrifying. But for now...

That pregnancy test I was staring down? I was about to pee on it when my period started. Guess I out smarted the Universe.

(Update: I took my first pregnancy test with a friend and her boyfriend, an IU football player named Emile. He died while I was writing this.  http://scoop.hoosiershq.com/2012/10/former-iu-defensive-tackle-emile-bass-dies-at-age-26/

I am pissed

No, I am damn near livid. Like - texted Matthew I wanted to light up a bunch of straight white boys to make a political point. Some mother fucker told me tonight my father was DUMB for serving in Vietnam. Some GOP asshat said that. Real talk. And then he got mad because I was like you kids that grew up rich just really don't get it. George W. Bush gets to serve in the Air Force during Vietnam? Romney gets to 'serve his church'. Here is your CCR realness:

It ain't me either.

Don't ever tell me my father, WHO SERVED OUR MOTHER FUCKING COUNTRY, was dumb for doing so. We don't all grow up with a silver spoon in our mouths but I for damn sure would like to shove it up some privileged motherfucker's ass.

This is just...hilarious

Sooooo, Anne Romney had plane trouble over the weekend. The cabin filled with smoke but thankfully no one was hurt and the plane was able to land safely in CO. Mitt had a somewhat interesting take on the incident:

“I appreciate the fact that she is on the ground, safe and sound. And I don’t think she knows just how worried some of us were. When you have a fire in an aircraft, there’s no place to go, exactly, there’s no — and you can’t find any oxygen from outside the aircraft to get in the aircraft, because the windows don’t open. I don’t know why they don’t do that. It’s a real problem. So it’s very dangerous. And she was choking and rubbing her eyes. Fortunately, there was enough oxygen for the pilot and copilot to make a safe landing in Denver. But she’s safe and sound.”

You heard it from Mitt first. They need to make it so you can roll down the windows on planes. Because, you know, that wouldn't be a motherfucking disaster.

I hope you giggled. I did.

Too White

Some people are too white. Yes, it is possible.

Today at work we were discussing famous people from Indiana. They got all the obvious ones (Read: white or the Jacksons). So I said-Vivica Foxx is from South Bend. To which someone responded - who is Vivica Foxx? They didn't know who Mike Epps was either.

And it isn't just like a lack of pop culture with these ladies. While discussing the show the Wire with them they admitted they had to rewatch some episodes because they couldn't understand what the characters were saying...most of whom are black. I mean, I am not young and hip any more so sometimes the new slang in rap has to be researched on Urban Dictionary.com. But I understood every word Stringer and Marlo and Brody said on the Wire. Because they were speaking English.

But man, it is everywhere. I went with a group downtown for Super Bowl. We rode the bus and....there were black people there. Some of these white chicks lose their shit around black people. They get louder and dumber- as if to prove they aren't uncomfortable while simultaneously proving they are uncomfortable.  The black people my little sister and I were standing by were making sooooo much fun of these chicks for being stereotypical stupid white girls. I was embarrassed to disembark the IndyGo with them.

I know what you are thinking - T, how can you make these judgements? I am LILLY FUCKING WHITE. Like, my little sister rode horses and we lived in the country and I do douchy things like yoga and getting organic produce delivered to my home. However, I still manage to understand what black people are saying. And, you know, the classic white person line - I have black friends.

I gotta think about these chicks though. They probably grew up in neighborhoods without black people in them. They went to schools that probably had like 3 black kids in them. They probably went off to college and joined a Greek that was full of more white people and then accepted a job somewhere that had like one or two token minorities. I guess that really isn't their fault.

It just is like being stabbed in the head to hear them talk.

What I wish I could say on a first date

Sometimes it takes too damn long to find out all the weird quirks and possible turnoffs and deal breakers about someone. I wish that I could just have an honest first date with someone where we lay out all of the things that are weird about us. I would wear my Darth Vader shirt and he could wear whatever the fuck it is boys wear when they are not trying too hard to impress someone. I would want to share the following things:

-I HAVE A DEAD DAD. For realsies, I hate when people are like what do your parents do? Because I can't just stop at my mom but I hate having to drop the bomb on someone and then they get all embarrassed and say sorry. It is just uncomfortable.

-MY LEFT EYE IS LAZY. And they both squint when the sunshines so I look crazy. It only comes out when I am tired or really drunk.

-I DO ILLEGAL THINGS THAT AREN'T THAT BAD. Yeah.

-IF YOU DON'T LIKE MY CATS I WILL NEVER LIKE YOU. I always want to have pets around and this could include cats. I can tolerate the allergy excuse but if you are just like - I don't like cats - it would never work.

-I HAVE THE WORST PMS EVER. And that is real talk. Like, one time I cried because someone wanted to tell me why JFK was evil. ???? Yea, I don't know either. It isn't just tears either. I'll get pissed if you spill water out of the ice tray while refilling it and it won't be a small thing. Also, PMS makes me really hungry. And I get angry when I am hungry.

-I AM CHEAP. See this haircut? I did it at home. I reuse ziplocks. I don't have cable. I don't hardly shop. I've discovered expired ketchup doesn't make you sick.

It would be nice if you never had to make a good first impression. I am not asking anyone to listen to me talk about exes or that dude who is my 'friend' that I am banging. I just want to be like - here, you may not like this about me.